


A Silent Sound

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Connor is alive yaaay, Connor x Evan - Freeform, F/F, I suck at tags, I suck at writing but I'm learning sign language so I wanted to do something with it lol, M/M, Mute!Evan, PTSD if I can write it????, Panic Attacks, Probably a bunch of angst and tears, The name sounds like that one anime oops, Tree Bros, Zoe Murphy - Freeform, alana beck - Freeform, and self harm, connor Murphy - Freeform, dear evan hansen - Freeform, which I don't condone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2018-11-23 17:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 29,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11406936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Silence. Silence is a terrifying thing. Even when you hate loud noises, sometimes that's better than just nothing.Evan can't speak. For as long as he could remember, he couldn't respond audibly. Evan, though terrified of social situations, found that he would rather stumble over his words than not speak at all. Nobody bothers to learn about who he is. There was a rumor that started that Evan was deaf, which never completely went away.On the first day of his senior year, he is approached by Connor Murphy, probably one of the most terrifying kids in school. However, despite many of the ways he thought this interaction could go, he was shocked by how it went in the end.





	1. Will I ever make a sound?

Evan stared at his computer screen, eyes burning. He glanced at the time in the corner of his screen. 7:24 am. Evan had woken up 3 hours early due to nightmares and hadn't exactly been able to fall back asleep. That kind of thing was common for Evan, yet it still agitated him every time he woke up drenched in sweat and eyes begging for sleep. Evan slowly moved his eyes from the corner of the screen to the middle, examining some photographs he had taken of the trees at Ellison State Park as a junior park ranger. Heidi had to basically beg them to let him join, considering his... condition. They relaxed about it as time went on, but Evan still felt as though they hated having him there. Evan snapped out of his thoughts as he snagged one of his only good nails on the plaster of his cast, flinching as he tugged it off. Evan took this time to examine the white cast, resentment for it bubbling up in his throat. It absolutely sucked having a giant lump of plaster on 24/7, but there wasn't much he could do about it. It was times like these Evan wished he could complain verbally.  
Evan heard a gentle tap on his door, instinctively slamming his laptop shut. Heidi opened the door and smiled at him.   
'Good morning honey! Did you sleep well?' She signed. Heidi could hear and speak just fine, but she used sign language to make him feel more 'normal'. Evan kind of preferred her voice; it was soft and gentle, like a warm embrace. Evan, of course, couldn't admit that just yet. Heidi already sacrificed so much for him, even giving up her native language in her own home. He couldnt just say he didn't appreciate it. Which he did; but she would probably misunderstand and get super angry or something.  
"Honey?" Heidi questioned out loud, which she only did to get his attention from far away. Evan looked up and nodded quickly. She gave him a small smile and kissed his forehead.  
'I have to go to work now, I promised I'd be there a bit early. I'm sorry honey, I'll drive you tomorrow. There is money on the counter, you can use it for the bus and for dinner later. Have an awesome first day!' Heidi signed quickly before walking out the door.  
'...Bye.' Evan signed to nobody. Evan sat there for a moment, really dreading the day ahead of him. However, he forced himself to slide into his blue polo and khakis. Evan examined himself in the mirror, quickly brushing his teeth before heading out to the main living area. He glanced at the money on the countertop for a moment before quickly walking out the door. No way was he getting on a crowded bus. Has soon as he felt the last few summer sun rays hit his back, he immediately regretted it.   
This was going to be a long year.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: So some people brought it to my attention about nicknames in sign language. It makes a lot of sense to incorporate, so I will fix it next chapter. Keep in mind; I've only been in this class for 3 weeks, 4 days each week. There may be inconsistencies, so if you have a higher knowledge and you can give me advice or correct things, that'd be great. So don't be afraid to contact me, my Tumblr is RadiantStarsAid (PastelPalette) so you can message me there, or just comment. Anything will work. Thank you!

Evan stared at the entrance to the school from across the street. His grip tightened on the strap of his backpack, clutching it so hard he began to shake. Evan's feet felt glued to the paved sidewalk, each person entering the school making him feel like more weight was being added to his shoulders. Most of the kids who entered the school building came in groups, and those who came alone joined one within a matter of minutes. Evan found it a lot more difficult.  
Evan usually communicated with the notes app on his phone or a pad of paper. There was a phase where he used a voice simulation app, but that ended about as quickly as it started. Most interactions Evan had were regrettably uncomfortable. One of the worst 'conversations' he had was when he was in 4th grade. A girl came up and introduced herself. When Evan quickly grabbed his phone to type a response back, the girl got angry, assuming he was trying to ignore her. Eventually rumors spread and no one really talked to him after that. The only ones who really did were the teachers. The teachers were usually very kind and treated him as normally as possible. Evan really wasn't much different; he was considered an advanced student, so he was allowed in normal classes. He rose his hand and wrote down answers on whatever the teacher allowed him to use, so he participated just fine. Even if he couldn't speak, he was still considered an 'average student'. And thankfully, most teachers treated him that way. Of course, there were always the few who didn't believe he was truly mute and treated him... too normal. One teacher deducted him to a D because he couldn't do his final oral presentation.  
Simply put, Evan despised school, but he couldn't leave. Him going to school was pretty much the only thing keeping his mother from having a mental breakdown. The image of his mother in mind, Evan took a deep breath and crossed the street. He felt his body immediately stiffen, being so close to other people. Evan probably smelled disgusting, oh god, what if his breath was terrible? He was breathing so loudly, they could probably hear it. Evan swallowed thickly and tried to do his breathing exercises as quietly as possible.  
"Evan? Did you hear me? Maybe everyone was right to call you deaf!" Evan flinched at the voice behind him, recognizing it immediately. Jared. Evan slowly turned to greet the smaller boy.  
'Hey, how was your summer?' Evan signed.  
"I mean, camp was pretty awesome. Remember that girl I mentioned last year? Yeah, she didn't show up this year. Probably too nervous to see my face." Jared had been forced to learn sign language at a young age by his mother when she heard out Evan couldn't speak. Jared, at the time, thought it would be so cool to learn another language. As they reached middle school, Jared never used sign language anymore, telling Evan is made him look weird. Jared was the only one he could sign naturally with, however, so Evan tried to treasure whatever they could call their friendship.  
"Hey look, it's the infamous school shooter!" Evans gaze snapped up from the floor to stare at Jared, then to none other than Connor Murphy. Despite having a poker face on, Evan felt the atmosphere getting tense.  
'J-A-R-E-D, maybe you shouldn't-'  
"Oh yeah, and when I rampage the school, i plan on getting all the idiots first."  
"So youre gonna shoot yourself first? That kinda ruins the point, doesn't it?"  
'J-A-R-E-D, please stop.'  
"Maybe, but I'd rather go to hell than listen to your high pitched attempts at dissing me."  
"Well, at least everybody else would be freed from seeing your face everyday. Speaking of, the hair looks nice. Definitely gives that edgy vibe you're going for. I understand why everybody hates you now."  
The silence was terrifying. The tension was overwhelming, it made Evan want to curl up in a little ball in a corner or literally anywhere other then here. Evan shakily raised his hands to try to get Jared to leave.  
'J-A-R--'  
"What are you saying?" Connor growled at him. "Are talking crap behind my back? Whatever you gotta say, say it to my face!" Connor yelled. Evan jumped back, head sinking into his slowly raising shoulders. He screwed his eyes shut, preparing for a hit or something. A few moments passed before Evan opened his eyes. Connor was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: in sign language, you have to spell out names, which is why when Evan says Jared, I spelled it out like that. Just a little side note in case y'all were confused.  
> Sooo chapter 2! And it isn't completely trash like the first one! I've been typing this on my phone so Idk if it looks long lol. Anyway, i will build up to Connor and Evan's friendship, i just feel like it'd take a while.  
> I will be gone next week camping, so I won't be able to post then. I'll try to get chapter 3 out before then but if i can't, sorry. Have an awesome day, thank you for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! So in this chapter Evan uses a nickname for Jared (thank you again to those who brought that to my attention, I appreciate advice and corrections) so for simplicity, I just said 'Jared' instead of spelling it out. From what I've gathered from a bit of research, nicknames in ASL are usually the first letter of your name mixed with a descriptive term. I think Jareds descriptive term would be 'cool', as in awesome cause he is tHE INSANELY COOL JARED KLEINMAAN!!! If anyone has any better suggestions, any advice about nicknames or just advice on ASL in general, feel free to contact me, thank you!
> 
> Obscure trigger warning: intrusive thoughts. I'm not sure but I've heard that can be triggering for some so if you're sensitive to that please tread cautiously while reading this chapter. Stay safe :)

Evan hesitantly lowered his arms back to his side, examining the hallways in full view. Except for a few passing students and Jared, they were empty. Evan finally took a breath, legs almost collapsing below him. Evan ran his hands through his sandy brown hair, feeling as though he had to he had to grab something to stay grounded. His thoughts ran a mile a minute, making it seem impossible to catch up. Jared's somewhat uncomfortable snort caused Evan to lift his head. That snort exploded into a full out laughing fit.  
"Ha! You should've seen his face! He looked like a wounded animal! I should've gotten it on video, it was hilarious! He just booked it outta here! Jeez, he must secretly be attracted to submission by dorks like you!" Jared had kneeled over, unable to hold his own weight from laughing so hard. Evan felt his face heat up and found himself sweating even more, if possible.   
'J-A--'  
"Yo, just use the nickname sign or whatever, I really don't care, but you look like you're struggling and it's pitiful to watch." On Jared said breathily, still chuckling. Evan felt slightly uncomfortable using that sign, but it was a bit of a hassle to sign his name every time he said something weird, which was very often.   
'Jared, it's not like that!' Evan scowled at the shorter boy, causing him to smirk. The warning bell obnoxiously interrupted their conversation.  
"Yeah yeah. When he confesses his super gay love for you, don't say I didn't warn ya! See ya, loser." Jared gave him a somewhat sarcastic salute as he turned away to walk to class. Evan gave a small wave behind Jared before walking to his own class. Evan slowly opened the door, examining the busy classroom. He took a deep breath before making a beeline towards the teacher. The teacher, a man probably in his early 30s, turned to face him.   
"Hello, welcome to my class. How may I help you?" The teacher asked, voice bright. Evan scrambled to grab his notepad and showed his teacher the prewritten note he had. Evan had created an individual note for each teacher the night before. The notes contained a basic guideline; mostly stating his situation, both his muteness and anxiety, and how he works his way around that in class. The man took a moment to examine the note before looking up at him and smiling.   
"Ah, Evan! I heard about you, mostly good things." 'What are the other things?' Evan wanted to ask, but quickly decided against it. The teacher grabbed a small whiteboard and dry-erase pen to hand to Evan. "Do you need me to give a notification to the class before we start, or...?" Evan was already scribbling down his response.  
'No,no, it's fine!' The note read. The teacher nodded.   
"Ok. I've got to call attendance, so please take a seat." Evan nodded almost too enthusiastically and made his way to a seat in the back, closest to the door as possible. He set all of the necessary contents from his backpack onto his desk and bored began doodling. Evans doodles where thick lines, done slowly and smoothly. They were actually very thought-out, mostly because he didn't want to mess it up. His doodles were mostly of things from nature, specifically trees and other plants.   
"Evan Hansen?" Evan almost leapt out of his seat, shoulders tense. He threw his injured arm out to grab his whiteboard, causing him to flinch from the pain. Evan used his other arm and scrawled 'Here!' on the whiteboard. This earned a few confused looks from other people, sending Evan into a small panic.  
'Oh my god, they think you're so weird and awkward and disgusting, sucks for the people sitting next to you. They have to sit next to a loser like you. You should just dis-'   
"Connor Murphy?" Evans intrusive thoughts; no, all of his thoughts seemed to come to a stumbling halt. Evan slowly raised his head once more, scanning the classroom. Silence. The teacher sighed, drew a quick symbol on his attendance sheet, before continuing. Evans face paled and his breathing quickened.  
'Have I somehow caused him to ditch class? Nonononono, as if you could impact him like that, he probably ditched on his own accord. .... BUT WHAT IF YOU DID' Evan grabbed his whiteboard, scrawled a note down, and raised his hand shakily.  
"Yes, Mr. Hansen?" Evan tensed a little at the name, which gave him flashbacks of his dad. He subtly shook his head and lifted the whiteboard. "Yes, you may go to the bathroom. Please take the hall pass." Evan nodded and snatched the hall pass on the way out. This was probably one of the boldest actions he would ever do. Time to find Connor Murphy.

... if he hadn't returned home, that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter done! I will be gone next week and I'm busy with ASL homework and my bday this weekend so next chapter will probably be in 2 weeks, that is if I don't release some crappy chapter I make at like 2 AM.   
> Also, with Connor comes a severe trigger warning! Mentions to suicide, self harm, internalized homophobia, homophobia, depression, etc will come so I thought I should give y'all a heads up! This series I am kind of doing off the top of my head, I'm sort of planning as I go, so I can't guarantee certain things as of yet, but there will be sensitive content, so just be warned.   
> Have an amazing day, thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK FROM CAMP WOOO!! I'm exhausted (I'm not a camping sort of person so it was a lot to deal with) but I'm so excited to be writing again! I didn't have any access to drawing or writing materials while I was there so I've had a lot of inspiration build up. Next week is finals week for me in my class, and since I missed a week, I will have to study like a madman. So updates may not be consistent, but I don't think they'll be disappointing. I also realized I wrote without taking Evans cast into consideration since chapter 2. I don't think there are any inconsistencies but if there are please tell me. There is also a reference for future conflict in this chapter, I'll leave it for you to figure out. (I hope I wrote it ok gahhh) Enjoy the chapter!

>    Evan was beginning to think searching    for Connor was hopeless. He could have gone anywhere, it was pointless. What's the point anyway? The worst Connor could do was tell everybody Evan was a bully and make everybody hate him more and lose any chance-no matter how small it was- of making friends.... Of course, he deserves it. If Evan wasn't such a freak, if he wasn't so freaking annoying then maybe everything would be different. Maybe if he could just speak.

    _"How d-!"_  an image popped through Evans brain. More like a small clip of a bigger scene. Evan suddenly felt anxiety explode in his chest, tears threatening to pour. Evan knew himself enough to know that this wouldn't end well. He looked frantically from side to side, just needing somewhere to hide. All of the bathrooms were too far away, Evans legs would definitely not hold up a good 5 or even 10 minutes to get across campus. There was the office bathroom but he would definitely be sitting for a while and the office workers would hate him more than they already do. After another moment of examining his surroundings, Evan noticed a small opening between the trees that lined the fence. Without a second thought, Evan stumbled over and worked his way between the tree stump and the fence. It was a tight fit, he could hardly even sit comfortably, much less stand. Not like Evan intended on standing anytime soon. Evan pulled his legs closer and dug his not injured hand into his hair. He focused hard on his breathing, not even bothering to attempt to stop his trembling. Despite having felt this kind of thing many times before, the sureness of the voice in the back of Evan's head screaming, _"You're dying!"_ Was enough to convince him. Evan moved his injured hand from the ground to a bit above his left temple, which burned in an all too familiar pain. Evan sat there for what felt like hours, but can't have been that long, for the bell had yet to ring. Despite being so trapped in his thoughts, the sound of approaching footsteps was enough to get him to snap up. Evan panicked, looking in all directions. There was no way out without being noticed. Instead of trying to escape, Evan made a last attempt to hide by scooting backwards into a darker part of the bushes. His attempt were to no avail, as the person who entered spotted his shivering figure straight away.

   "...Oh." Connor Murphy. Of course it was Connor Murphy. Evan couldn't tell his the universe loved him or hated him. Either way, Connor was here, and... not completely pissed off. In fact, he almost looked bored. The two boys stared at each other, both completely unsure of what to do.

   " _Oh my god, he found me. Well I mean, like not FOUND me, cause like, he wasn't searching, but like- that's not the point. He found me flipping out, now he can say I'm not only a bully but a freak who can't go through a school day without having a mental breakdown, oh god-"_ Connor plopped down across from Evan, boredly pulling out a notebook and mechanical pencil.

He just kinda... Sat down.

Thats it.

Just. Sat. Down. Like. This. Isnt. Weird. And. Evan. Isn't. A. Freak.

   A silence followed Connors entrance, only interrupted by the gentle scuffs of the pencil. How Connor could draw in such darkness without straining his eyes was beyond Evan, Connor must be here a lot. Looking back, Evan hasn't ever seen Connor at lunch. He quietly accepts that Connor probably sits here.

Oh god, this is Connors spot.

Evan shakily and all too quickly reached out and grabbed his backpack. Evan attempted to stand up and sling the heavy pack over his shoulder. Keyword: attempted. Evan, instead of respectfully leaving, collapsed face first back into the dirt. His legs were still too shaky to support his himself; much less his heavy backpack. Evan let out a small noise as pain shot up his injured arm.

  "Oh crap, dude, did you think that one through? That was the most ungrateful exit I've ever seen." Connors voice was on the brink of amused. Evan felt his face heat up. He quickly sat up and looked at Connor, forcing a smile, which he was sure looked like a painful grimace instead of a warm grin. Evan quickly returned to picking up the contents of his bag that fell out, hands sweaty, shaking, and probably more disgusting than usual. He heard the taller boy move over and suddenly he was picking up his things. _What?_

  "So, like, I actually wanted to say something to you. You don't have to leave." Connor muttered. His voice was still monotonous, but it felt a little less foreign. Evan stared at him for a moment before nodding, feeling dizzy from the dehydration and headache that came from crying. Crap, had he stopped crying? Evan suddenly felt very thankful for the darkness, as it hid his probably flushed and tear stained face. Evan quickly put back all the contents of his pack before pulling out his writing notebook. The notebook was covered in cheap jewel stickers and motivational messages with a sad but polite attempt at calligraphy. Heidi gave him this notebook the week before school, insisting that he would need it if he was going to be making friends. As much as Evan appreciated the effort, the notebook itself would probably drive people away. Despite this, Evan still used it to write to people when needed (while discreetly hiding the cover). Evan scrawled down a note, looking it over and over again, before quickly making changes and fixes. When he had something he was kind of satisfied with, he flipped the page around to Connor.

   'What did you want to talk about? Not that I mind or anything. It sounds probably very rude sorry.' The page read. Connor leaned forward and squinted a little as he read the page. 

   "Oh. Um... I guess I wanted to say that I was... kind of a jerk earlier? I have a habit of going off like that." Evan knew from the anger he saw in Connor's eyes before that it was more than just a habit, but he didn't have any desire to press further at this point. "I obviously creeped you out, and... I suck? Lord I suck at this ... look, just like, can we ignore that ever happened?" Suddenly, Connor made a lot of more sense. Evan quickly wrote down his response.

   'Oh nonono, I'm sorry. Thank you for apologizing, though! I shouldn't have freaked out, and I understand being angry, I mean it looked like I was talking behind your back. So sorry.' Connor quickly looked up from the note, somewhat agitated, as if he expected something else.

   "Look, I'm not the kind of person who apologizes often, but I know that you shouldn't be apologizing back. It wasn't ok, or whatever. Just like, if you're going to be way too nice about it, just accept-" Connors voice cut off. Evan stared at him, puzzled. "... Are you shaking?" Evans anxiety once again skyrocketed and he quickly went into defense mode.

   'No of cors nt' Evan wrote too quickly to finish the words. It was a habit of his that he developed a long time ago. It was sort of like his stuttering but in writing form. Connor shuffled a bit closer and examined him.

   "Dude, you're a terrible liar. Oh god, I can't get through one school day without making some kid cry." Frustration laced the lanky boys voice. 

   'Nono it's ok pls dnt wory abot it! I wasn't crying, and even if I was, u shouldn't worry about it!' Evan scribbled down quickly. Situations like these just make Evan seem like a preteen girl getting into text language. An airy chuckle came from Connor.

   "Whatever. Hey, nobody signed your cast." Yup. The world hated Evan. "Can I sign it?" The thought of Jared attacking Evan about a signature, much less Connor Murphy's signature, on his cast made him want to throw up, but Evan was nodding before he could think straight. Connor pulled out a seemingly decent pen from his pouch and wrote his name in giant letters over the plaster. The giant letters were awkward, almost demanding, which is sort of what Evan expected. What he didn't expect was the small cloud of warmth that entered his chest. Evan looked up at the brunette, somewhat disappointed to see him getting up. 

    "I think I'm done for the day. I'll.. see you later I guess." Without another word, the boy dipped out of the confined area. Evan felt, for once in his life since middle school, hope.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The floor is a consistent posting schedule.
> 
> (•3•)  
>  \|/  
>  |  
>  / \
> 
>  
> 
> \-----------------
> 
>  
> 
> I'm sorry that meme is old what am I doing lol  
> Also I know like nothing about what it's like to deal with police and doctors and stuff like that so like sorry if I did something wrong lol.  
> Enjoy the chapter, have an awesome day!
> 
> Tw: implied suicide attempt

>   Evan opened the door, the cool air from his air-conditioned apartment causing a shiver to run down his spine. He quickly pulled his light jacket closer to his thin frame. Despite it still technically being summer, it always got colder later in the day and Heidi loved it being freezing cold when she returned, for whatever reason. Evan quickly slid his shoes off his feet and shuffled past the kitchen, quickly replacing the sneakers with slippers that sat in the hallway near his doorframe. Evan threw his backpack onto his bed and plopped down in a his old navy blue swivel chair. Evan laid his head back and stared at the sky blue ceiling. A few glow star stickers remained from his childhood and shined dimly from the slowly setting sun outside his window. On most days Evan had to walk home, which was probably one of the only perks of his mom staying at work all day. On days when she couldn't pick him up, he'd often go to the nearly park and listen to music or doodle. Best part was that the park was old and outdated; hardly anyone visited. Therefore Evan usually had the park to himself and didn't have to worry about somehow embarrassing himself. Evan did feel bad about not mentioning his little trips to Heidi, but it didn't really affect her anyway.   
>   Evan took a small glance at the time.  
>   5:36.   
>    Heidi wouldn't be coming back until 3:00 am, he had plenty of time to hang out at the park before she returned. Evan begrudgingly stood up from his comfortable chair and packed his bag with his heavy laptop, notebook, pencil, phone, earbuds, and extra school supplies. He heaved the heavy pack over his shoulder and slowly stepped down the stairs, worried that the weight of the pack would throw him forwards. Of course, carrying anything with only one arm was hard enough, make that thing heavy and it's ten times more miserable. Evan sighed and moved it to his other arm, which was super sore from him sleeping on it every night. Evan could sleep on his back, but he read somewhere that sleeping on your back increases the chances of sleep paralysis, and no way was he risking sending himself into a panic after snapping out of that kind of thing. Evan opened the door, shutting it slowly, as if he had to keep quiet. Which was stupid; the neighbors didn't care and his mom was at work. A gentle late summer breeze hit Evan, much warmer than the ice box he called home. He continued down the line of doors, almost touching the railing that prevented him from falling down onto the parking lot on his other side. Evan stumbled down the stairs, quite literally in fact, and fast walked to the park. The sun was threatening to set as Evan stepped on the cracked pavement of the sidewalk, causing him to speed up a little. He made a sharp turn to an old, short wood fence. Evan was about to push at the broken gate door when he saw a figure leaned against a tree. He examined the sitting figure, a shiver running down his spine at his limp they looked. Evan felt his stomach drop when he noticed the empty orange pill bottle in the strangers hand. Evan threw the gate fri door open, quickly discarding his heavy pack and dashing over to the limp body. His knees hurt from collapsing in front of the person. Evan moved their hair from their face to find the face of Connor Murphy.   
>   _“Shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot…!”_ Evan quickly yanked his phone out of his pocket and texted 9-1-1, too frantic to fix all his spelling errors.  
>    _‘My fiend overdoesd pls ckme to XXX park’_  
>    Evan set down his phone and shook the taller boy, using his foot to try to make noise and wake him up. When he heard a faint siren, Evan jumped to his feet and stumbled over to the street, waving his hand out to grab their attention. As the paramedics leaped into action, Evan could hardly tell if this was all real. Everything felt like it was a dream; like Evan wasn't really there. Connor was brought into the ambulance and they drove off, knowing the severity of the situation. Evan watched as the ambulance was suddenly driving away, brain unable to comprehend what was going on. Evan walked over to the tree where Connor laid and slid down to a sitting position. Evan brought his knees closer to his chest and dug his hands into his hair, trying to calm himself.

  
_What the heck just happened?_   


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about medical stuff so forgive me  
> Tw: Flashbacks

    _Ring Ring Ring…_  
   Evan had become vaguely aware of his vibrating phone about 2 missed calls in. The sad part is, it had to be his mom. Jared’s mom thought it was offensive, which wasn't really true, it was just awkward. Therefore, it couldn't be Jared. The only other people in his contacts were Doctor Sherman, Heidi, and a few anxiety hotlines he never got the courage to text. The hotlines weren't going to call him, nor would Doctor Sherman. That only left his mom. Heidi would call him only when she was really worried and thought calling would make him notice. Which, now that he thought about it, actually worked this time. Evan sighed, really not wanting to deal with Heidi, but also didn't want to deal with her calling the police and telling them he was kidnapped or something. Evan lifted his head from his knees and shakily reached out his hand to his bag to grab his ancient hand-me-down phone. Evan rejected the call and went to text his mom.

    **You** : Sorry mom, I had my phone on silent. What's up?  
**Mom** : WHAT DO YOU MEAN “WHAT’S UP?”?! IT’S 11:30 PM AND YOU AREN’T HOME! I NEARLY CALLED THE COPS!  
    **You** : Im so sorry I wa jastg at th abandogmfb park up the street  
    **Mom** : Why are you there?? Don't answer that, I'll pick you up.

   Evan huffed out an exasperated breath, trying to regain his composure. It wasn't long before Heidi pulled up in their small, old car. It was very outdated but they didn't have the money to afford an upgrade. Heidi promised a lot would change once she finished school and got a job in the law field, but really it would be when he was out of the house.

   “Evan!” Heidi jumped out of the car, kneeling in front of her son. Heidi only talked when she was too seething, worried, or sad to sign. Signing was just another burden for her, but she kept it up for her son. Evan, once again, felt a longing for her calm, lively voice that she used when he was a child. “What are you doing here?! Did you have another attack? I told you to take your pills today!” Evan swallowed hard and shakily rose his hands.

   ‘Sorry Mom, I saw a friend here and I had to text an ambulance and I was so terrified I'm sorry, sorry, sorry…,’ Evan signed over and over. Heidi gently placed her hand on Evans, stopping him for a moment.

   “I'm sorry honey, but you had me worried sick! I will punish you for this soon, but for now, would you like to go to the hospital and see your friend?” Heidi offered, a weak smile on her face. Evan felt newfound tears threaten to fall. He nodded and allowed her to help him up, legs still shaky. Evan loved his mom, it was times like these that reminded him of that. The feeling of waking up to see her cooking breakfast and a warm hug before he left for school was something that he knew he would never have anytime soon, and that is what caused the tears to fall.

   -----------------------------------------

   Evan stepped out of the car, leaning on it as he regained his balance. Heidi rushed over to help, but Evan briskly shook his head. Evan slowly shifted his weight over to his own feet and gave his mom a tight lipped smile of reassurance. Despite this, Heidi walked close to her son as they entered the tall building, as if she was worried he would topple over any second.

   ‘What is your friends name, sweetheart?’ Heidi signed quickly.

   'C-O-N-N-O-R M-U-R-P-H-Y,’ Evan signed quickly, praying he spelled it right. For all he knew, it could be spelled “Conner” or “Murphie”. Evan noticed his mom approach the front desk and, instead of finding some way to embarrass himself, he leaned against the wall right across from them.

   "Hello there, Jamie!” The way Heidi greeted some of the hospital staff as friends would never become normal to Evan.

   "Hey there, Heidi! It's nice to see you, I never see you since my hours got changed! How's life treating you?” The short lady responded, gently setting down whatever she had been packing in her purse. It was very late at night, she was probably ready to clock out.

   "It's been… pretty much the same as it's always been.,” Heidi gave a half-hearted chuckle. “Anyways, my son is here to visit somebody named Connor Murphy. Is there any possibility we can sneak in there really quick? I know it's late, but he was admitted not too long ago, I've been told?” Heidi asked hopefully. The women Evan now knew as Jamie looked up at her hesitantly.

   “...Maybe.” The brown haired women types a few things and stayed silent for a moment, examining her monitor. “I believe he is still asleep, or at least I haven't been notified otherwise. However, his family is still here. If they all give you consent, you may only stay for a few more minutes. And please don't mention this to our boss, Heidi.” Jamie handed Heidi a small note, which Evan guessed it was his room number.

   “Thank you so much Jamie, I owe you one!” Evan could hear the smile in Heidi's voice. Heidi turned to face Evan and gestured in the direction of the elevator. They both entered and Evan tried to swallow the small bit of anxiousness that entered his body as the doors closed. A small wave of relief hit him as the doors opened again and he walked out into the open hallway, but seeing an obviously panicked family pacing wasn't the most calming sight in the world. They all perked up at the sound of footsteps, causing Evan to freeze at all the eyes. However, Heidi confidently strode forward and gave them a small smile. “Hello there, my name is Heidi. Are you the family of Connor?” Evan felt panic race through him at the thought that they may be bothering the family.

   “Um yes, my name is Cynthia. Are you Connor’s nurse?” Cynthia asked hopefully, glancing at the scrubs Heidi had yet to change out of.

   "Sorry, I'm not. I am the mother of one of Connor’s friends.,” Evan felt another large wave of panic rush through him as he remembered, he had been calling them friends this whole time and Connor probably already forgot he existed. Evan ran over and signed quickly to Heidi.

   'Mom, we aren't exactly friends, I met him today, but he was nice to me and I kinda hoped we would but I mean we wouldn't call each other friends,’ Heidi stared at him for a moment before nodding slowly. Before Heidi could correct herself, Cynthia gave her a warm smile and hugged her.

   “I'm sorry, I had no idea Connor had friends, as terrible as the sounds. He never mentioned anybody. How did you know he was in the hospital?” Cynthia asked Evan. Evan tried to mouth what he was signing.

   ‘Sorry, I can't speak.,’ Cynthia stared, confused.

   “Is he deaf?” Cynthia turned to Heidi, looking slightly embarrassed at not understanding what he was saying. Evan shook his head quickly but Heidi answered this time.

   “It's a long story, but no, he can hear. He just can't speak. I have a notepad if you'd like to talk to Evan directly.” Heidi pulled a notepad and pencil out of her purse and gently placed them in Evan's hands. Evan quickly scribbled down the story, not wanting to bother them by taking too long.

_I met Connor today at school and he seemed really nice, sorry it was a bit weird to call us friends, but I was worried. I went to the park and I saw him unconscious so I texted an ambulance. I wasn't exactly sure if I had a right to go to the hospital with him so I stayed back until my mom found me and insisted I went._

   Evan decided to leave out his panic attack and stick to the important details, which seemed like enough for Cynthia. In fact, she looked so happy to the point of tears. She pulled Evan into a tight hug and whispered.

   “Thank you so much for finding my son. Without you, he would be dead.,” Evan felt overwhelmed by the sudden rush of emotion he got from feeling like he did something useful for once, so he decided to hug her back. It seemed like it lasted forever until a rough cough ruined the comfortable atmosphere. Evan gently pulled away from the hug and looked up at the tall figure of who Evan assumed was Connor’s dad.

   “Thank you very much for dealing with my son, I apologize for his behavior. My name is Larry Murphy, I am Connor’s father.,” Larry reached out a large hand for Evan to shake. Evan hastily rubbed his hand on his pants and shook his hand, giving him a small nod. Suddenly, Zoe Murphy shoved her way between the two and stared at him.

   "Did Connor force you into friendship or something? He isn't exactly the nicest person, you know.,” Zoe warned him, much too close to his face for his comfort. Despite her cruel words, he could see the faint red blotches that she tried to cover up with what Evan guessed was concealer. Evan flipped the notepad to an open space and wrote down a small response.

_Of course not, I appreciate the concern._

   Evan tried to hide all the erased marks but it was a futile attempt. Zoe read the note and stared at him disbelievingly.

   “If you say- I mean write? Read?” Zoe cringed as if she somehow offended him, which wasn't exactly true. He felt self-conscious, but he didn't blame Zoe for that.

    _Say is fine_

   Evan showed her hesitantly. Zoe gave him a faint smile, probably the best he’ll get from a girl who’s been staying up the whole night waiting for her brother to wake up. Evan tried to smile back reassuringly, but it was too tight to look anything more than pained. Zoe must have caught onto his stress and confusion, as she left him to go stop Cynthia from bothering Heidi with a bunch of facts about Connor and how she was so excited he finally had a friend. Evan was grateful to be left alone for a moment to recollect his thoughts, but that moment of peace was interrupted by the low voice of Larry.

   "Say, how long have you and Connor been… friends again?” The way Larry said ‘friends’ sounded like it was foreign, as if it was an unfamiliar term to him. Despite understanding that Connor wasn't exactly the friendliest of people, the way he asked about his son like he was a lowlife caused a small bit of anger in Evan. Yet, no matter how much anger he felt, Evan couldn't bring himself to look at the mans looming figure. Instead, Evan opted to write a response and focus on the paper.

_Me and Connor met today; well I suppose yesterday now. I was shocked when I found him at the park. But don't worry, he has been kind to me_

   Evan used the word ‘kind’ a bit loosely, but he was so done with interacting he felt as though he was going to have a mental breakdown and instead curl up in the corner of the hallway. Larry read the note and rested his eyes upon the shorter boy.

   "Just be warned; he can be very dangerous sometimes. I would suggest cutting ties with him now.” Evan swallowed hard and found it in him to look up at the man. However, suddenly he felt as if he was back in his house. A familiar face stared at him furiously. Evan felt terror claw at his heart and he let out a noise, similar to that of a scream. He fell backwards, eyes screwing shut.

“Evan!” Heidi dashed over to her son, who now sat on the floor. Evan wasn't sure what caused that sudden flashback, but he just wanted it to stop. “Evan, honey, please take deep breaths. It's okay, you're safe. Everything is okay…”

 _"But it's_ not _. It's far from okay. Connor is in the hospital and I'm here panicking. How is that fair?"_

   Evan stayed silent, quick to calm down with his mother at his side. He slowly opened his eyes, terrified to see the family staring at him, shocked. Heidi smiled wearily at Evan.

   'Are you okay, Evan, sweetheart?’ Heidi signed.

   ‘I'm okay, Mom.’ Heidi sighed in relief and turned to face the Murphy’s.

   "I'm sorry about that. I will talk about it after this whole ordeal is cleared up. I will go check on Connor, if you'd like.” Heidi questioned.

   "I-Is that okay?” Cynthia asked hopefully.

   "Yes, it should be fine. I'm not assigned to Connor but I don't think it'll cause any issues.”

   "I don't believe you should. They already have one nurse looking over him, he is fine.” Larry muttered. Heidi opened her mouth to protest but was interrupted by Connor’s room door opening.

   “Family of Connor Murphy?”

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unproductive chapter is unproductive  
> Like seriously I kinda had a low emotional state for a couple days and it took a toll on my inspiration and overall desire to write something decent  
> I'm better now but that was a pretty random dark mood swing, and I call it a mood swing because i had no real reason to be upset, if anything I should be anxious cause s c h o o l  
> Aaanyway sorry for the kinda filler chapter, I wanted the Connor visit to have its own full and detailed chapter and I wasn't in a good state to do it so

  “Family of Connor Murphy?”  
  Everybody seemed to perk up a little bit at the entrance of the doctor. The doctor gave a small smile to the crowd that had formed around Connor’s door. “Connor is awake and we are allowing a couple people in at a time.” Cynthia moved to grab Larry’s hand and approach the door. However, the doctor remained in front of the door, blocking their way.  
   “Is something wrong?” Larry questioned blankly.  
   “I'm assuming you are Larry Murphy?” The doctor’s eyes flickered over to the married couple's interlocked hands.  
  "Yes?” Larry responded, now guarded by the doctors firm expression.  
   “I'm afraid I cannot allow you to visit Connor at this time. He isn't in a proper state to deal with stress and from what little I've heard from Connor, I don't feel it is appropriate to let you two talk,” The doctor brushed a loose hair from her bun out of her face, quite obviously unsettled by the expression that came upon Larry’s face.  
  “Excuse me? He is my _son_! I have a right to see him, I would appreciate it if you stepped aside.” Larry took a defiant step forward. The doctor inhaled sharply and met eyes with the older man.  
  “I apologize Mr.Murphy, but we cannot risk his health at this point in time. You'll be allowed to visit during any time between 3:00 and 7:00 pm tomorrow,” The doctor glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. “Today,” she corrected herself quickly.   
  “That's not-,.  
  “I'm sorry, this is final. If you truly wish for your son’s both mental and physical health to return to its proper state, you will return tomorrow,” The doctor shot down his protest before it even grew into a true argument. Evan stared, astonished at this lady’s confidence. He swallowed a small prick of jealousy and shakily rose to his feet. Heidi quickly turned to face her son, offering him her shoulder if need be. Evan shook his head, despite the growing weakness in both his legs and head.  
  ‘What about me?’ Evan signed to Heidi. Realization spread across her face and she quickly walked over to the doctor, who was now allowing Cynthia and Zoe to pass through the door, much to Larry’s displeasure. The doctor turned to Heidi, eyeing her up and down. Her eyes caught on Heidi's baby blue scrubs.  
  "Sorry, I don't recognize you, Miss….?” The doctor began.  
  "Hansen. But please, call me Heidi,” Heidi gave her a small smile, but was returned with a hesitant stare.  
  "Ms.Hansen. How may I help you?” The obvious disuse of her name caused Heidi to visibly falter for a moment before continuing.  
  "May my son be able to visit Connor for a few moments? I understand if he needs rest or can't handle it,” The doctor looked up at the ceiling in thought. It was a few moments before she sighed.  
  "I will talk with Connor when the rest of his family finishes up in there. However, if he shows even a remote sign of being too tired or stressed out to talk, I will have to send you out,”   
  "Thank you so much, Dr…,” Heidi took a quick glance at her nametag. “Allen!” Heidi ended with her signature weak smile and returned to her now uncomfortably shifting son. Heidi gave him a knowing look before guiding him over to a line of chairs, placing him down in the first seat. ’What was that panic just now?’ Heidi signed to Evan, eyes now shining with worry. Evan swallowed hard and began to clench his teeth together, as hard as he could without it being super obvious.  
  'I'm sorry, I just kind of…’ the tears that threatened to spill caused him to stop signing for a moment. ‘I kind of just remembered something and it scared me. It's fine.’ Evan glanced up to meet his moms gaze for a moment before returning them to the tiled floor.  
  'Are you sure? Is it because you didn't take your meds this morning?’ Heidi pressed, much to Evan’s discomfort. Even without her speaking, he could feel the added pressure.   
  'I'm sorry, I always forget, it's my fault. Sorry.’ He didn't forget. Evan never forgot these kinds of things. No matter how happy he was, a very minute voice in the back of his head would remind Evan that he had anxiety and couldn't just live a normal life, how silly is that? Maybe that's why he didn't take his pills. Purely out of spite for that voice that kept telling him he couldn't do anything. Maybe it was a part of him that believed he deserved to be told things like this because he was just so useless. Even if the voice was annoying, it was right. And that's what hurt the most. The word ‘useless’ always triggered something in Evan. Maybe because he knew that's what he was, as ‘edgy’ as that sounds. Evan had been called edgy before. Which, even though it didn't make much sense, given his usually timid and anxious nature, it still hurt. Looking back, pretty much anything that sounded remotely rude suddenly swung Evan into a depressive state, at least for the night. Sometimes he’d get over it the next day, sometimes he’d dwell on it for a month or two. Sometimes Evan still found himself regretting things from years ago, when he was hardly old enough to understand what being an outcast felt like. Sure, he wasn't the most social child, but he had a handful of decent friends and not nearly as much anxiety as he did now.   
  Evan gently slid his fingers through his hair, the exhaustion from staying up until 2:30 am suddenly catching up. Not to mention on a school night. Oh god was school going to be absolute hell for Evan tomorrow. Evan leaned his head back onto the wall, staring into the ungodly bright hospital lights, hoping they would snap him into reality. The door to Connors room opened about five minutes after it closed, leaving a quite obviously unsatisfied Cynthia and Zoe. Larry walked forward to meet them, asking them brief questions about how he was and if they properly talked to him about the mistakes in his actions. The anger from long before threatened to bubble up, but this time Evan decided to swallow it before it got out of hand. Dr. Allen turned towards Evan, causing him to hopefully not visibly flinch.  
  "I'm sorry, what is your name?”  
  "Evan Hansen.,” Heidi answered for him. Dr. Allen glared at her but nodded and retreated back into Connor’s room. Evan let out an unintentionally loud puff of air as the anxiety built up in his chest. Heidi grabbed his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, and suddenly the guilt from keeping her up super late when she had a shift in a couple of hours set in. Dr. Allen once again entered the room and forced a smile at Evan.  
  "You may see him now.,”

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Dissociation, Panic Attack (ish?) Yelling, Mentions of Suicide and Suicide attempt, Implied self-harm, Intrusive thoughts, Verbal attack based on disability
> 
> Can you guess what this chapter is gonna be like? Did you guess fluff? Well whoop de doo let's see if you were right  
> (it's all a n g s t)
> 
> Also I changed the font so here is he official key that I will be sticking to because I've been confusing myself:  
> •Bold italics are Evans notes, unless implied to be somebody else's writing  
> •Anything like this: 'Example' is somebody signing  
> •Just italics are Evans thoughts, unless the POV is changed, which will be made obvious beforehand.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter (:

  Evan slowly slid behind the doctor who gently closed the door behind him. Even if Evan could speak, he was certain he wouldn't to be able to now. The anxiety that bubbled up before only got worse. Evan swallowed roughly, trying to hold back the urge to run away.He turned to the white hospital bed, growing pale as he saw Connor. He looked so tired and unhappy it made Evan want to do something. Anybody would in this situation, if they had a conscious that is. Connor was unimaginably pale, his shoulder length hair caressing the right side of his face. He had large dark spots under his eyes, contrasting with his pale skin. Connor’s hands were wrapped almost defensively around his stomach, which Evan guessed hurt from being pumped. Even with the gentle green hospital gown, definitely the bright color Evan has seen him wear, Connor looked miserable. How Cynthia, crying over Evan happening to spot him in a park, held up seeing her son like this was beyond Evan.   
  “What are you looking at?” Connor growled, voice raspy and seeming ready to give away at any moment. Evan shook his head apologetically, quickly glueing his brown eyes to the ground. He heard Connor let out a stifled breath, probably the closest he could get to a sigh at the moment, and shifted awkwardly in his bed space. “Sit down, I wanna ask you something,” Evan noticed a very faint lisp in Connor’s voice. Maybe from being medicated, maybe it was just something he did that Evan didn't notice before. Remembering how things ended up last time he did something "mocking" Connor, Evan stayed quiet and sat down in the chair next to the bed. Connor scooted a bit in the opposite direction, obviously uncomfortable with their close proximity. Evan did the same, but shuffled closer to the bedside table for his writing convenience. They both faced each other and stayed in silence for a moment before Connor scoffed. “You really don't speak, do you?” Evan scrambled for his notebook in his bag, holding back the confusion he felt.  
 _ **I cannot speak, I thought you knew this already? Not to be rude or anything.**_  
  Connor examined the scribbles, obviously unable to focus well.   
  “Why can't you speak?” Evan looked up at the ceiling, considering how to answer this question.  
 ** _That's not important. Are you okay?_**  
  Connor immediately tensed and Evan knew he worded that one wrong.  
  “You think I'm alright? I'm in the hospital for overdosing on Larry’s pain medication, of course I'm doing swell!” Connors voice dripped with venom, the way he spat out “Larry” gave Evan the chills.   
  **_Of course you aren't alright sorry that was stupid of me sorry_**  
  Connor let out another strangled breath and squeezed his hands into fists, seeming to attempt to control his temper. The monitor beeped a bit louder for a moment before calming down to its normal, still fast and uneven but calm enough heartrate.  
  “Whatever. Just, why did you have to be there?” Evan turned up to meet Connor’s icy blue eye, the only one showing through his messy strands of hair. Evan found himself trapped under that gaze for a long time before tearing it away and turning to his notepad.  
  ** _I go to that park on nights where my mom works late and I need some air._**

  “No, I meant why did you save me?” Connor’s voice threatened to raise. Evan stared at Connor, almost shocked. He was shocked it wasn't obvious. Evan, unsure of what to say, tried to think of what his therapist would say. Probably some obvious question that doesn't make much sense to as and leaves Evan with a bad taste in his mouth. Evan, being desperate to find the words to respond with, went to the first question that popped up in his head.  
  **_Do you still wish those pills worked?_**  
  Connor’s heart rate suddenly spiked.  
  “Hell yeah I do! Do you think I'm sitting here by choice? Do you think that just because you stopped me means that I'm all happy and cured? Who do you think you are?” The doctor burst into the room at all the yelling. Evan began panicking and began writing and apology. Connor snatched the notebook, which in fact acted as a journal, so that's great. “Stop scribbling down your stupid notes like a wounded animal and tell me! Stop acting like you're so special just because of some disability!” Connor screamed, and Evan felt himself shaking violently. Dr. Allen barged through the door, shoving past the quivering Evan and resuming her space next to Connor. She examined the heart monitor for a few moments before gently grabbing Connor's arm, careful not to hurt him through the bandages  
  "Evan, you must leave,” Dr. Allen insisted, gently nudging him towards the door with her free arm. Evan found himself unable to move for a moment, Connor’s rage filled face engraved in his vision. “Evan!” The doctor yelled over the beeping of the heart monitor. Evan flinched and ran out, making a beeline down the hallway, fearing if he stopped walking he would fall. Heidi ran after Evan, worry obvious on her features.  
  'Honey, what was that all about?’ Heidi signed, nudging Evan in the direction of the hallway as he instinctively started to swerve towards the men's bathroom. Evan really wasn't up for signing, he really just wanted to curl up and tuck his head under his hands and ride this out. Evan felt numb, like more and more of himself was being ripped away and that he was no longer himself anymore. Connor’s screams echoed through his ears, causing him to absentmindedly shake.  
 _stopstopstopstopstopstopsttellmeOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP-!_  
  Evan ran head first into the wall on the opposite side of the hallway, feeling returning for a moment in his head. It took a moment to register before the pain flashed through his head. Evan stared at the wall, cringing at the pain for a moment before the numbness returned, only dulled by the aching pain in his forehead.  
  "Evan!” Heidi ran over to her son, sliding to her knees. She gently grabbed his hand and, when he showed no sign of disliking the touch, wrapped her arms around him. Evan twisted his head to look behind him at the Murphy's, who all were staring at him, dumbfounded. All the emotions from what just happened rushed back into his brain, too quickly for him to keep up with. Evan, despite his brain begging him to, couldn't find any more tears. Instead, he lifted his arms and gripped onto Heidi as fiercely as he could, which wasn't very impressive considering his lack of emotional and physical strength at this point. Evan buried his head into her thick blonde hair, the physical contact seeming to very slowly draw him back down to Earth. Evan hadn't felt this emotionally drained in so long he knew he would worry about it when he had the energy to do so. Heck, Evan knew that even in when he breathes his last breath he will be worried about something. However, for just a moment, he sat almost calmly in his mom’s arms, ignoring the world around him. But deep inside, he knew it just wasn't enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PFT fluff, what's that?  
> I'm not sure if I'm doing this right crap. I'm still unsure of Connor's characterization, he is so hard to write oh god. Next chapter is probably gonna be a bit short because, since I hate myself, it's gonna be a Connor chapter. Not that Connor isn't an amazing character, he is a beautiful character. Just so freaking hard to write because he is so complex and deep with close to no stage time. You could say the same for Evan, but I relate to Evan so much it's a bit easier. Jared's character development will also be interesting to write, since right now he is just kinda a jerk. The storyline is still a bit misty but I think I have a timeline going so it should be okay. Worst case scenario, I rewrite this much better but it just takes a bit longer, which I don't think is bad at all really. Thanks for dealing with my impulsiveness, stay safe and have an awesome day :>


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop posting earlier than usual! Tomorrow I'm finding out my school schedule and I'm really nervous because I signed up for two advanced classes and I really hope I've gotten into at least one. This chapter basically wrote itself, I just wanted to type something and move my fingers instead of shaking. Before I knew it, I guess I finished it. I dont know if that's a good thing or not. Anyways, I hope this turned out okay, given it's a Connor POV chapter. Also, I try to be very detailed in trigger warnings but if you have anything you want me to add, even if it's obscure, please tell me and I'll add it right away. I kind of have been slacking on trigger warnings in earlier chapters and I want to be more careful about that. 
> 
> Tw: Past suicide attempt mention, past suicide mention, yelling, implied self harm, self deprecating thoughts, denial of mental illness

  "Breathe out… Connor please follow my instructions. Inhale for five… Hold for seven… Exhale for nine…,” The red that clouded his vision slowly began to fade away, showing the doctor’s calm but determined green eyes. Connor quickly avoided her eyes and focused on his hand, which she gripped comfortingly. Despite his previous anger, Connor found himself following along with her. Breathe in for five seconds, hold for seven, out for nine. At first it choked Connor, given his erratic, fast paced breathing, but he eventually found himself almost dependant on that cycle. Maybe it was focusing on anything other than what just happened, maybe it was actually the breathing exercises. Whatever it was, it got his breathing to slow along with the heart monitor, which he just now registered its existence. The doctor let out a small sigh of relief and turned to face Connor.  
  "Do you think you’ll be okay if I leave you alone for a moment?” She asked gently, obviously worried about angering him again.   
  “I'm fine.” Connor instantly cringed at how pitiful and scratchy his voice had gotten. The doctor gave him a small smile, quite obviously fake, and turned to walk out of his room. This time, she left the door open, making sure she could keep an eye on him. Either she underestimated his hearing or simply didn't consider that he might be able to hear her through the open door, either way he eavesdropped like anybody else probably would. It wasn't necessarily eavesdropping, considering he wasn't struggling to hear her voice and he couldn't move anyway.  
  “Your son is stable at the moment. However, the stress may get to him in the morning. If that's the case, I may not allow visitors.” The doctor stated in a hushed tone.   
  “What is the probability of that? What are the worst outcomes?” He faintly heard Cynthia’s worried but obviously exhausted voice.   
  “It's more likely than not. Don't worry, worst case scenario he stays a bit longer. Not by a lot, at most a couple days. Keep in mind that this is only the worst case scenario given the current circumstances. If he is given any more unnecessary stress it could be longer. Connor is not in a proper mental or physical state to deal with this.”  
  “This is just him being cranky that he isn't getting the attention he desires, you promised I'd be able to talk to my son tomorrow.” Connor swallowed hard at his father’s voice, clenching his fist and focusing on his breathing. Connor could basically hear the glare on the doctor’s face.  
  “I'm sorry, Mr.Murphy, this is for the best. Speaking of, there is something I would like to mention. Connor is clearly not in a proper mental state. Have you considered therapy? Of course, being required of somebody who attempted suicide, he will have to be in a psychiatric hospital for three days, but-”  
  “Excuse me?”  
  "Larry…” Cynthia pleaded. “Not now honey.” A small pause. “Um yes, we have considered therapy before. We decided against it.” ‘We’ was not the proper term. Larry decided on his own and Cynthia had no choice but to follow along. Larry was obviously in denial of how truly damaged his son was, but that didn't stop the resentment that bubbled up in Connor’s throat.  
  "Mrs.Murphy, I highly suggest you invest in some counseling for your son. Mental health is a very serious matter. I am not a psychiatrist by any means but I know this isn't safe. Mental health issues are terrifyingly common nowadays. If you desire, there are many parent support groups I could suggest for getting to understand mental illness.” The doctor was persistent, her words making Connor want to both cry and throw up. Cry because, for once, someone was intent on helping him. Connor, in the early stages of his downward spiral, had considered asking his parents. When he did, it turned into a whole ordeal Connor would rather not remember. After that, he slowly gave up and even began to despise the idea. Connor wanted to throw up because he knew exactly where this conversation was going.   
  “No.”  
  "Larry, honey, this is a legitimate concern-”  
  "Cynthia, he is acting up because he wants attention!”  
  "Mr.Murphy, is it really appropriate to believe your son would risk his life for attention?” It seemed like the whole world came to a sudden halt at those words. Connor felt his heart stop a moment, curling in on himself.  
  " _Excuse_ me?” Larry’s voice was dangerously low and hushed.  
  "Your son almost ended his life. This was obviously not in an impulse; he had time to think it over. Fetching the pills, walking away from your house and to that park. He had plenty of time to consider his plans. We also must consider the bandages we have packed so thickly around his wrists. Dare I tackle that subject?”  
  "Dr.Allen, we do not need parenting advice.”  
  "This isn't just parenting advice! This is general knowledge! Your son is ill, not just from the pills. He is sick and unhealthy. You will never get what you once had. But you can get happiness, why are you denying that for both you and your son?” The emotion was thick in her voice as she choked out the last word. She took a moment to recollect herself before continuing. “I apologize. My daughter killed herself before she turned seventeen. I was so shocked, I had no idea. I assumed she was just having a bit of a hard time adjusting to high school, considering we moved here right after her freshman year. I would never wish the same pain upon anybody… Please consider my suggestion.” And with that, her footsteps slowly faded down the hallway. Connor couldn't process it all. He was shaking so much and he felt a lump in his throat, but the tears weren't there. Connor found himself weakly picking at a loose edge on his bandages. He reviewed what just happened over and over until it clicked. That lady did something Connor could hardly do himself. Sure, he had screamed at them, telling them he wasn't fine, but he never had the patience and strength to tell them exactly how he felt. Connor lowered his head between his knees, wanting so bad to scream and cry like a child. Instead, he closed his eyes and let his thoughts wander.  
  _So. That lady just defended me. Huh. Never expected that in a million years. I suppose she did comfort me after I freaked out…. what did I freak out about again?_  
  Oh right.  
  _Evan_.  
  Oh god, he yelled at Evan. After trying so hard to make up with him. Why did he yell at Evan again? Connor wasn't really sure.   
  _I remember I yelled at him because he didn't respond vocally. I'm an idiot. Who gives a crap if he can't speak? There's probably a good explanation. That poor kid probably gets enough hate already. Oh my god, do I sound like those adults who treat their mentally ill kids like they're made of glass? Crap._  
  Connor really wanted to disappear now. Just as he was almost convinced he had, the doctor entered. Her eyes were very faintly bloodshot, she probably accidentally got a bit too emotional during that ordeal. Connor, who seemed to subconsciously label her as a decent person, felt a minute pang of worry about her job. Yelling at your patient’s parents probably wasn't good for keeping your position. Dr.Allen smiled wearily.  
  “Are you feeling calmer?” Connor nodded. “Do you think you'll be okay alone?” Another nod. A small pause followed this time, and she approached the bed slowly. “I'm sorry, you probably heard the ruckus outside. It's okay, everything is fine. Do you have any questions?” Her voice was quiet but still forced to be preppy, which wasn't a pleasant filter for her voice. Despite his hesitance, given his pitifully weak voice, he found it in him to speak up.  
  “You said I am going to a psychiatric hospital for three days?” He asked numbly. Connor was born with a lisp he learned to filter out, but now, mixed with his drugged up head and agonizingly sore throat, he given up on trying.   
  "Ah, you heard me. I suppose I was asking for that, leaving the door open.” She let out an insincere, almost scared chuckle. “Yes, mainly because you've attempted before and your mental health has obviously decreased. It won't be long, only three days. You won't be allowed much anything, considering they have more things banned than allowed. But it is for your own safety. You should also be attending therapy sessions afterwards. What you will do about school, which I assume is a large stress factor, is up to you and your parents.” Connor felt bitterness for his family, weaker than before, given how drained he was even before this whole blowout.   
  "I doubt that. Larry would rather chop of his own leg then send me to therapy. At least he could say he lost that leg doing something courageous that would support our family name. As for school, I've never really made an effort to succeed or really even attend, so I doubt they'll do anything about that.” Connor spewed out his agitation on this lady, probably still burdened by her daughter’s death and quite obviously exhausted. Instead of her uncomfortably leaving or something along those lines, she nodded slowly.  
  “I see. Well who knows, maybe they took my criticism seriously.” She winked, breaking her professional and serious exterior. “I have plenty of amazing psychiatrists I could recommend; keep that in mind when your parents change their minds.”  
  “If.” Connor corrected.  
  "When.” She countered, no sign of doubt in her features. Connor let out a thick breath, too sore to actually chuckle.  
  "Yeah sure, keep telling yourself that. Why are you doing this anyway? You know, defending me or whatever you call that explosion in the hallway?”   
  "Probably because I'm still guilty over my daughter’s death and I have a subconscious desire to help this kid with similar problems as to try and heal myself, which is probably very unhealthy. You know, usual stuff that you see in mourning parents.” Usually Connor would get angry at somebody using him like this, but her self awareness made him instead want to laugh.  
  "Reasonable, I suppose.” A small silence fell. Connor opened his mouth several times, but the words wouldn't come out. Dr.Allen didn’t stare, but didn't leave either. “Hey um… do you know if… like… Evan is okay?” Connor mumbled. It wasn't exactly guilt that he felt, more just like a sour feeling that he had to fix it so he could get out of that kids life. Connor had bothered Evan so much already. He ignored the small bit of regret that he had messed up that friendship before it even began. The doctor stiffened a little bit.  
  "I saw him down the hallway with his mother. I couldn't see it very well, I believe they were doing some dramatic sitting on the floor and hugging each other sort of scene. He was probably just spooked.” She responded blankly. Connor narrowed his eyes, deciding to over think that when he was alone.  
  "Do you not like Hansen or something?”   
  "Which one?”  
  "Either, I guess.”   
  "... Since I'm being self aware today, I suppose so.” _She really is so confusing._  
  "Why?”  
  "Are you playing therapist now?”  
  "I think we switched roles a long time ago.” She chuckled and earnestly at this.  
  "It's probably because Evan reminds me of my daughter, May, before she became angry. She was anxious and awkward, always stumbling over her words. I assumed it was just late term shyness, something she would get over. May eventually turned bitter, always on the verge of breaking into a screaming fit. It so agitating because that kid will probably do the same thing if his mom constantly treats him like a baby. Heidi is well known around here, she always takes extra shifts just for an extra dollar. Despite knowing her situation, we can't help but pity her family at home. When I figured out who she was and how she was treating her son, I just couldn't talk to her normally.” Connor stared, processing all that information, before letting out a coughing fit of amusement.  
  "Seriously? You can't handle that overly polite boy and his mom but you can handle an asshole like me and my mess of a family? Sorry, Doctor, but you are really not self aware at all. You like me because you think you can help me, someone completely damaged, but you don't like Evan because he is repairable? Or is it that you see yourself in Ms.Hansen and you despise her for it? Honestly, that's pretty sick." Connor answered almost a bit too honestly. He regretted it a bit as her expression dimmed.  
  "You're probably right… You need some rest. I'll leave you now, we can talk more in the morning. Sleep well!” Dr.Allen exited the room almost too quickly, flicking off the lights and shutting the door behind her. Connor’s gaze was glued on the door for what seemed like forever before he collapsed onto his bed, letting out a small noise as a little bit of air was knocked out of him on impact. Connor examined the ceiling, suddenly finding it very difficult to fall asleep without a book or his phone. Sometimes he even buys sleeping pills from other kids at school, mostly because his parents watch his bank savings like a hawk. To his displeasure, his thoughts wandered back to when he exploded at Evan. He really messed up. Evan looked like he had been punched in the gut. Why Evan visited him at all was beyond Connor. Connor did want to apologize to Evan, preferably not while on a hospital bed. Once he apologized, Evan could move on and do whatever. Maybe Evan would tell the whole school how he was a terrible person, that was pretty much true anyway. Then again, Evan looked so anxious even talking to Connor, telling the whole school was a bit of a stretch.  
Even so, Connor knew he deserved it, at least a little. A small part of him didn't want to be hated more than he already was, but maybe it'd be better that way. Everyone would ignore him and he could go to school and be completely left alone. Suddenly the thought of being alone scared Connor. Being completely alone in a world full of people. A world full of people who depend on social interaction. A world full of people happy and content while he is alone. Connor rested his arm over his eyes, teeth clenching.   
  Why couldn't the world let him do this one thing right?

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I read the fic description and it doesn't fit well at all anymore? So that's a thing. Also I'm really sorry for posting late, I spent a lot of time on an outline for this fic so I have a bit more consistency, also I kinda avoided it because transferring a google doc to ao3 is tedious...  
> Also read the trigger warnings please because this fic will kinda get more serious? And I really don't want to hurt anybody, just be careful everybody. Remember; I will add any obscure triggers from now on if you want, just comment or pm me on tumblr (radiantstarsaid)
> 
> Tw: implied self harm, mentions of scars,  
> mentions of dissociation, mentions of suicide

  It wasn't a secret that Connor Murphy didn't attend school as often as everybody else. He usually disappeared by the end of the day or didn't come at all. That wasn't alarming to anybody. However, it had been a bit over a week since Connor last came to school. Evan did expect him to stay away maybe the first week of school, but not for most of the next week. It was Wednesday during the second week of school and Evan was a nervous wreck. Sure, Evan was terrified of seeing Connor again, but he didn't want Connor to be unhealthy.   
  _You probably stressed him out so much his condition worsened_  
  _What if he decided he hated school and dropped out because you made him realize how much school sucks_  
  _Maybe he returned home and completed what he failed before, all because of you._  
  Overthinking was normal for Evan, even in small situations like Connor probably just taking longer to heal. He was probably safe at home taking a mental health break. Evan had spotted the thick bandages around his wrists, perhaps he was waiting for them to mostly heal or scar over so he didn't have to be bothered by anybody about them. Evan knew very well Connor was probably fine. But the small possibility that he wasn't plagued Evan’s thoughts. As he arrived at school that day, Evan hadn't even considered that Connor might come that day, despite thinking about him so often. Not in a weird way, of course, just worrying. Evan was in no way prepared to see the hooded figure of Connor Murphy leaning against his locker. Evan stopped in his tracks, staring in awe. Evan couldn't make out Connor’s face through his thick hair, but it was so easy to tell it was him. Despite his loose hoodie, the bandages caused a small bulge in his sleeves. His hands were still slightly paler than usual and the way he held himself was just by nature a lot weaker. Connor slowly lifted his head and looked both ways, eyes catching on the dumbstruck Evan, whose jaw was basically dropped to the floor. Connor didn't have much color to his face, his eyes with a bit less fierceness and lacked as much of a guard. Connor heaved his weight off of the locker and began walking over. Evan shook his head and jogged a little to meet him halfway. Connor looked vaguely thankful for this, given he was quite obviously disoriented.   
Evan couldn't be exactly sure why, but Connor was definitely out of it. Even with Connor being in such a unhealthy state, Evan couldn't help but feel a pang of fear as Connor’s breaking screams echoed through his ears. Evan avoided eye contact and gently fiddled with the hem of his earthy green shirt.  
  “Hey.” Connor rasped out. Evan suddenly realized he had to respond and fetched his notebook from his pre-opened backpack and a loose pencil from a side pocket.  
  **_Hi._**  
  Evan didn't know how to respond differently. Evan was tempted to ask where he was the past week and a half, but Evan felt as though Connor still held some resentment, even with his decently calm exterior.   
  "Look, um… can we go somewhere a bit less crowded?” Evan’s thoughts immediately went to Connor probably planning to yell at him or something, but were quickly shut down. “That sounded shady, crap. Uh, I'm not going to beat you up or anything, I just wanna talk.” The faintest hint of Connor’s lisp made Evan stiffen a little as he remembered that night, yet despite this he give Connor a small nod in agreement. Much to Evan’s surprise, Connor led Evan to the same line of bushes and trees they hid behind on the first day. It wasn't that Evan thought Connor would forget this place, mostly just that he thought Connor would hate this place now that Evan had gone and ruined his privacy. Connor sat down and looked up at Evan expectantly. “You can sit down you know.” Evan nodded quickly and sat down a fair distance from Connor. An awkward silence fell between them as Connor was obviously forming words in his head. Evan picked at his nails, trying not to recount his major dissociation episode that night. When Evan thought about it, he felt himself begin to shake a bit more, a small bit of numbness from that night returning. “Hey, uh, I'm about to ask you something a bit rude, considering how I was an absolute jerk before… but uh… wanna sign my… ‘cast’?” Connor rolled up his left sleeve and displayed the thick bandages, obviously very new, not much older a day or two.  
  **_Is that really okay?_**  
  Evan asked worriedly. Connor offered him something you could interpret as a smile.  
  "The bandages are thick, just press gently and you won't hurt me. These aren't as bad as my right side so I can keep them on until my wounds scar over. I mean, don't feel pressured though.” Connor reassured Evan, obviously trying to stifle his lisp, which had slowly began to become more apparent. Evan didn't necessarily feel assured, thinking about his other arm, but nodded a tiny bit. Evan slowly scooted closer, making sure Connor was comfortable with him closing their distance a little, before gently taking his arm in his hand. Putting Connor and Evan’s hands next to each other really showed how pale Connor had gotten. Evan took out a thin pen and hesitated a moment, considering what to write. “You're shaking.” Connor stated dumbly. Evan froze at that, before nodding a little. There was no point in denying it. Evan wrote his name small on the bandages. Deciding it was too small, he began adding onto it. In a matter of a couple minutes, a whole note covering the upper side of Connor’s bandages. Despite being finished, Connor didn't move his arm from Evan’s lap. They sat like this for a moment before Connor reached over and grabbed Evan’s hand again, causing Evan to flinch and back up a little. Connor didn't looked shocked, but obviously disappointed. “You're scared of me, aren't you?” He whispered. Evan stared a moment before grabbing his notepad.  
  **_Yes, I am. I'm sorry._**  
  Connor stared, eyes narrowed. He moved his back back to the fence and sighed.  
  "Yeah, I kinda got that vibe. Honestly, you should be scared, I'm a terrible person. It was stupid of me to even try fixing this.” Connor grabbed his bag and stood up, when Evan found himself gripping onto Connor’s sleeve. Connor yanked his arm back but stayed in place, looking guarded and frustrated, probably mostly at himself. Evan wasn't sure exactly why he did that, but now he had to follow through. Evan patted the space where Connor once sat and Connor squatted there, which didn't really bother Evan so he didn't comment on it. Connor was fidgety and quite obviously cramping up, seeing as he constantly shifted his weight and kicked his long legs out as far as they could in the cramped space, which wasn't saying very much. Connor obviously wanted to leave, _Evan you're bothering him just let him leave, he doesn't want to be your friend._  
  Evan winced at the thought but knew he had gotten too far to back down now. His hands were shaking and his handwriting probably looked more like hieroglyphics, but he had already forced him to sit down, he couldn't just say never mind.  
  **_I am scared, and I'm sorry about that, I apologized right? I guess I wanted to say that I am scared, I really am, but I don't want to be? If you don't mind, and of course you can say no, but I'd like to try and learn about you? So I don't have to be scared?_**  
  Connor looked genuinely shocked as he read Evan’s note. Connor stared for a long period of time before glancing up at Evan, who quickly averted his gaze.   
  "Are you.. uh.. serious?” Connor whispered. Evan swallowed hard before turning to look at Connor straight in the eye as he nodded. As he finished nodding he quickly turned his gaze to the ground once again, setting down his notebook and squeezing his clammy hands together. “I mean, I'm not amazing at this whole… friendship thing?” Evan scrambled for his notebook again.  
  **_I'm not either, I mean I have Jared but I don't think he really enjoys my company, I think he is forced into it…_**  
  Connor snorted.  
  "Well I guess we can suck at this together, huh?” Connor murmured. Evan smiled at the ground, the happiness he felt overwhelmed him. Evan gave Connor a small nod, and was given a faint smile in return.  



	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got overzealous oops  
> I expected to post next weekend yet here I am...  
> I assumed before I'd be out all day during vacation but I... wasn't? So here we are, chapter 11. I rewrote this all but I'm unsure of whether or not I like this. In comparison to the old version it is much better though lol. Not too proud of the dialouge, specifically Connor and Jared, and if it becomes too unbearable then I'll rewrite it. For now I'll continue working normally.  
> Anyway, thank you for the support on my note a couple days ago, I appreciate it a lot. I hope you enjoy this chapter, but please don't consider this the height of my writing abilities lol.
> 
> Tw: Cursing, Mentions of past suicide attempt, Drug mention, Yelling/Arguing (feel free to ask me to add on :>)

  Evan drearily rose his head from his plain white pillowcase, moving a hand to cover his yawning mouth. Evan gazed around the room before stumbling out of bed, over to his ever persistent alarm. He gently turned it off and turned around, about to head back to bed. No one would notice if he was a little late. Evan paused, suddenly remembering Connor.   
  Evan and Connor had been hanging out the past week. It wasn't anything amazing, most of it was either comfortable or very awkward silence while they ate their lunches. They had yet to even exchange phone numbers. Despite their odd relationship, Evan couldn't help but grow fond of the taller boy. Of course, Evan was still terrified. Sometimes Connor would get texts or phone calls and his face would contort into a scowl, which usually caused Evan to flinch. One time Evan tried to ask what was wrong, but got a glare instead of an answer. Connor and Evan didn't go deep at all, sticking to ‘what's your favorite-’ questions for the most part, yet Evan still found it in him to soften a little. Connor had calmed a little as well, but didn't talk all that often and sometimes would have a really distant look on his face while he reeked with a smell that Evan could guess was some kind of drug. Connor only got out of the hospital a week ago, of course he was struggling. Evan knew that, even if he knew a bit about how Connor felt, he could never ever try to help him with that. It wasn't that Evan didn't want to, it was that Connor definitely wouldn't want a nervous wreck calming him down. Nevertheless, it gave Evan a purpose to come to school every day, and that was enough for now.  
  Evan snapped out of his thoughts and glanced at the clock, quickly realizing he lost track of time. Evan walked over to the bathroom and took a quick shower, now realizing how sweaty he was. It wasn't unusual for Evan to have nightmares, so this wasn't much of a shock. Evan hopped out of the shower and very quickly ran Heidi's hair dryer through his hair, cringing a little as his hair poofed up and was very knotty. Evan tried to brush down the mess but quickly realized there really wasn't much he could do but feel self conscious about it all day. Evan hesitated in front of the mirror for a moment, searching for some sort of sickened or anxious feeling, but found nothing more than his normal fast paced thoughts. He let out a sigh of relief, knowing the chances of him panicking were low for now. Evan glanced at the clock in the bathroom, groaning as it showed he had about five minutes to get walking. Evan hastily brushed his teeth and booked it down the hallway, scrambling to open a poptart wrapper. Evan yanked the plastic open and prepared to put them in the toaster before pulling them back after another look at the time, which stated about two minutes. Evans toaster was particularly slow, given how old it was, and would probably take longer. Evan sighed and ran out the door, scarfing down a poptart as he jogged. Despite his raging side ache from eating while running, Evan continued on until he appeared at the school entrance. Evan was about to enter before he realized how sweaty he was. Oh god, how could anybody go to school like this? Evan looked around, as if expecting to find somebody watching him, before walking behind the school and entering through the much less populated staff parking lot. Evan walked slowly through the hallway, giving his body time to stop panting and for his face to lose its redness. As Evan approached his locker, he noticed Jared leaning beside it, gazing idly at his phone.   
  Truth be told, Evan was avoiding Jared. It wasn't really obvious, given they only hung out during lunch, certain class periods, and sometimes at one of their houses. Evan was almost certain Jared hadn't really noticed, until he realized yesterday he was being given glares, especially during last period, which they both shared. Evan knew the small hint anger in Jared’s eyes was justified, yet it still upset him. Evan inhaled sharply and walked over to his locker, giving a nod of acknowledgement to Jared. Jared gave him an ingenious smile.   
  "Seriously? That's all I get? After you, like, ignored me for a week?” Jared’s voice was forced to sound sarcastic, but Evan could hear the way his voice clipped as if he was holding something back. Evan gave the hallway a quick glance. Despite Jared’s loud tone, nobody has given them any attention.  
  ' _I’m really sorry but can we talk about his in the courtyard? Out of public eye?’_  
  Jared huffed and power walked over to the mostly empty courtyard, Evan on his heels. As they reached the clearing, Jared suddenly flipped around, almost knocking Evan off his feet.   
  "So. What's your excuse this time?”  
  Evan clenched his teeth together.  
  _'I don't have one.’_  
  Jared turned his gaze up towards Evan.  
  "Of course you don't. You don't have a reason for avoiding the closest thing you've got to a friend other than being a huge ass!” Evan stayed silent for a moment before frustration flickered up in his chest.  
  ‘ _Why do you care, anyway?’_  
  “W-What do you mean?” Jared suddenly looked very pale.  
  _‘I thought I was only here to please our parents_.’  
  Jared hesitated a moment.  
  "You are.” He stated simply, voice shaking.  
  ‘ _Then why should you care if I don't hang out with you?’_  
  “You said it yourself; because my parents won't be happy.” Despite his seemingly controlled tone, Evan knew Jared was far from calm. They were both decently smart kids, Jared knew exactly where Evan was going with this.  
  ' _What about your friends at camp?’_  
  “They live so far away, lord are you deaf now, too?” Jared defended himself. Evan winced at the sharpness of his tone.          

  "That doesn't matter, you have been ignoring me and that means you are the one in the wrong, not me!” Jared raised his voice, yet Evan still found the power from the anger he felt and began to sign furiously.  
  ' _Seriously? How are you not in the wrong? You've been bullying me since middle school!’_  
  “Really? Well sorry I hurt you by trying to tease you like friends would!”  
  ' _Stop it! Stop trying to make me that bad guy here! You think constantly telling your supposed ‘friend’ that you only hang out with them for the pleasure of other people is friendly? I bet you don't even do it for them, you do it for yourself because of how you don't have any friends yourself!'_  
  "Well at least I actually _try_ to make people happy! All you do is sulk because poor little Evan can't get any friends and will be alone for the rest of his life because he decided to ditch his only friend for a stoner who probably can't tell the difference between a shoelace and a noodle, and will either ditch poor little Evan or die from lung cancer! Man, I wish you an amazing day Evan. I hope you have the best day of your life, because you will never ever have what we had again!" Jared yelled in his face, eyes glassy as he stormed off around the corner, leaving Evan shocked. Evan stood there, brain processing all of Jared's meltdown, before falling to his knees, which he quickly pulled upwards so he could tuck his head between them. Evan dug his fingers into his skin, his nails too picked down and dull to draw blood, but nevertheless painful. Evan wasn't sure if he was breathing to fast or even breathing at all. Footsteps approached Evan, causing him to flinch, but stay rooted to his spot. They paused in front of him for a bit before taking a seat next to him. Evan turned his head to look at Connor, who said nothing. Connor gently ran a hand through his shoulder length hair as the wind tugged it in front of his right eye. Connor glanced over at Evan, before quickly averting his gaze.  
  “...You okay?” Connor murmured, voice softer than the first time he had asked a couple weeks ago. Sure, it didn't sound all the committed, but Evan was certain Connor had no idea how happy he was to hear somebody concerned about him. Despite shaking madly and the terror threatening to seize him and give Evan a heart attack, Evan quickly wrote down a note.  
  **_Can I put my head on your shoulder? You can say no of course I won't be offended it was weird anyway please don't get upset._**  
  Connor stayed still for a moment, which caused Evans anxiety to rise. Connor seemed to notice the hitch in his breathing and patted his shoulder as an invitation. Evan gave him a brief smile and gently laid his head on Connor’s shoulder.  
  "Wanna skip?” Connor said in a hushed tone, which sounded louder to Evan, given his ear was much closer to Connor’s mouth. It was then Evan remembered he was at school.  
  **_Did the bell ring?_**  
  "Yeah like five or ten minutes ago, but that's not an answer.” Evan would normally have hesitated, but he knew he couldn't get through today. The smaller boy lifted his head and nodded, allowing Connor to stand up. He graciously accepted Connor’s outstretched hand and he hoisted himself up onto his weak legs. Evan immediately stumbled forward, Connor grabbing him before he made impact with the ground. Connor shifted Evan so his weight was on him, which suited them both fine. They shuffled as quickly as they could down the hallway as to avoid being caught, but Evan couldn't even register it. Evan remembered Jared’s angry face as he tore Evan a new one, which Evan knew very well he deserved. Evan’s frustration towards himself and his empathy overpowered the small flame of resentment that had grown deep in his soul over the years. Truth be told, what Evan told Jared was only a fraction of what he felt. Evan let out a small sigh and shifted his weight to his own feet, causing Connor to give him a look. Yet they continued walking in a comfortable silence, which Evan appreciated. Evan couldn't bring himself to comprehend the emotions running through his head, much less put them into writing.   
“Uh, look, I'm not amazing at comforting people or whatever, and lord would I be a hypocrite if I said that everything was okay, or even that'll work out. I guess I should say you're okay for now and however you end up in the future you'll be satisfied.” Connor scoffed at his own words. “Actually, that still makes me a hypocrite. I definitely won't end up happy, but I know you will. You're a good person, you'll be fine whatever happens. I don't know what happened, I heard Jared yelling some pretty crazy things. I'm going to assume Jared is the kind to hold back things until they blow up in your face. I suppose we have that in common.” Connor tensed a little, as though reliving memories that would be better forgotten. Evan wanted to comfort Connor, but he had already continued talking. “I think… whatever you said… must have struck something in him to the point where he aimed at all your insecurities and aimed full force to knock you down so he wouldn't look as bad. Oh my god, I never thought a day would come where I even remotely defend Jared.” Evan couldn't bring himself to look at Connor as tears formed in his eyes. “Look, what I'm trying to say is is that he didn't mean anything, and even if it is your fault, I can't let you beat yourself up over it. I think I know Jared enough to know that he partially deserved it as well. Frick are you crying? I did this wrong didn't I?” Evan quickly dried his face, shaking his head towards Connor.   
  **_Thank you._**

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Okay, now I'll post consistently!!! uwu  
> Me: -spouts this out later than the one that was supposed to take forever-
> 
> I'm considering giving myself a schedule, maybe I'll post every Sunday? Or Monday? I'll try to stick to those two days and see how it goes. If I like it and decide on it officially, I'll tell y'all. Enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Tw: Aruging, Cursing, Anxiety, Smoking, Implied suicide attempt  
> (Feel free to ask me to add more :>)

  Evan and Connor walked side by side, a slightly awkward silence following their past conversation. Evan found himself unsure of what to do, determined to fill the void. As Evan conspired what to do in his head, Connor made a sudden turn onto the walkway to a very large colonial home. Evan stared in shock before tugging Connor back by his sleeve, sending the taller boy a concerned look. It took Connor a moment before it seemed to click.  
  "Ah, I forgot, I don't really look like I belong in this kinda house, huh?” Evan immediately shook his head, fearing he had hurt Connor, but instead got a slightly agitated look. “I'm just kidding, I know you wouldn't say that or whatever. Plus, I really don't look like a belong here. Unfortunately, I do.” Despite Evan disagreeing to be polite, Connor was right. A freshly mowed lawn, a simple yet elegant design, clean lines and a white picket fence, none of this matched Connor. Evan would most definitely disagree with the idea Connor would live in an old shed, like Jared used to mock him with the idea, but definitely not something like this. Evan followed Connor down the paved road that lead to a spacious front porch, a couple white rocking chairs, which were obviously cleaned up vintage, sat beside each other next to the door. A couple porch lights lined the wall along with fairy lights that dangled from the beam holding the small roof that stood over the porch. Connor turned to the beam slightly above his head and grabbed a key, which Evan quickly surmised was their way in when his parents weren't home. Evan soothed a little at Connor’s parents not being there, given Evan’s face was still slightly pink from crying, and he was still very shaken up from his dispute with Jared. Evan interacting with the pressure of trying to make a good impression but also seeming calm, cool, and collected while also dealing with the stress from earlier events was just a recipe for disaster.   
Connor opened the front door, revealing a decent sized foyer. A simple rectangular mirror hung over a small but long dark wood table, decorated with pictures of their family, a couple small succulents, and a vase with a singular white rose. The walls were white, surprisingly clean for being such a color, and a medium tone bamboo wood floor with a matte finish sat below their feet. On their left was a coat rack and shoe shelf, while on their right was a small woven bucket that held several umbrellas, the few that were very small and kid related showing they were mostly there for sentimental value. Two arches on both of their sides showed a living room beyond one and a dining room beyond the other, both seemingly very spacious.   
  Evan couldn't help but gawk at the beauty of just the foyer, that was minimalistic but still comfortable and a decent use of the space. Despite having a shoe shelf, a shoe shelf, Connor walked out the arch to their left, ignoring the small but useful privilege. Evan respectfully slid of his shoes and tucked them in, quickly realizing it was mostly empty. Though a little confused, Evan jogged after Connor, who stood a bit before a large living room. White recliner couches made an obtuse angle, a pale brown coffee table sitting in the middle. Beside each couch was a mason jar which held pumpkin scented candles inside, or at least that's what Evan deduced from the scent that wafted throughout the room. A large television sat about five and a half feet off the ground, an old gaming counsel sitting on another table below, a similar style as the one in the middle of the room. Large windows covered the left wall while the other was covered in pictures and shelves. Connor snaked around the white carpet that designated the living room and through another arch that lead to a large kitchen, sitting room, a staircase, and two doors, one of which Evan knew led to the dining room that was on their right when they were in the foyer. The kitchen was simple, a marble countertop and white cabinets, but still kept the elegant vibe that was apparent throughout the house. Connor turned on the gas fireplace in the sitting area and flopped down on one of the chairs, closest to another slightly smaller television. Evan stood awkwardly before Connor patted the chair next to him, which Evan quickly assumed.   
  **_Your house is very beautiful._**  
  Evan offered Connor a weak smile. Connor shrugged.  
  "I mean yeah, we got the place redone when Mom had a job, but she quit when I started getting into trouble.” Evan looked at him quizzically, but decided he shouldn't press on the matter. “Do you like any shows?” Connor quickly changed the subject, showing Evan he made the right choice not pushing the conversation.  
  **_This may sound weird, but I kind of like.. Disney movies? I also like HGTV, usually.._**  
  Connor aimed the remote at the TV and turned on Netflix. He flitted his way through before deciding on Moana by the way he must've saw Evan’s face light up. Evan loved the songs from Moana, and was particularly amazed at the main character’s emotional arc throughout the film. They say there, watching for a while, before Connor stood up abruptly.  
  "Hey, uh, you don't mind if I smoke do you?” Connor glanced at him, betraying a bit of uncertainty. Evan was taken aback, not at the idea of Connor smoking, but instead that he would be so bold as to smoke in his house. Connor’s parents would definitely smell it when they got back. Evan nodded a little, causing Connor to relax a little. As Connor turned and ran up the stairs, Evan found himself preparing a concerned note. Connor returned with the blunt between his fingers as he settled back down. As he brought it up to his mouth and inhaled, a sigh of relief followed his exhale. Evan gently poked Connor's shoulder and displayed the note.  
  **_Won't your family smell that when they get back?_**  
  Connor squinted, trying to make out the words in the dark, only illuminated by the movie screen.  
  "Ah no, it's fine. Larry earned a week off and my parents decided to make a ‘romantic trip’ out of it. Zoe has band practice and is staying the night at a friend’s, so it should be fine.” Evan nodded slowly, processing the information.  
  **_Where are your parents going?_**  
  "I think Florida. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.” Evan nodded and returned to watching the film. Evan found himself humming along with ‘You’re Welcome’ all too contently. Evan always had a small desire to sing. Not necessarily in front of people; maybe in his room alone or in the car, if he could get his license without panicking. They were about half way through the film when a small noise from the foyer caught Evan’s attention. Connor cursed and leapt up as the door creaked open. He raced over to the sink and yanked out an air freshener spray.  
  "Hey, Connor, you here? Come down stairs please! Sorry we’re home early, our flight got canceled from the hurricane down south!” Evan recognized Cynthia’s voice as she entered the the sitting area, eyes locking with Evan’s. She smiled brightly. “Oh hello Evan!” She turned up to Connor, face morphing into one of disgust. “...Connor, what is that smell?” Evan felt his heart beating erratically.  
  "It's nothing.” Connor stated, eyes betraying nothing but Evan knew he was probably more nervous than he let on. Cynthia’s face morphed into a frown, setting down her keys and a large suitcase.  
  "Connor, honey, I thought you were clean! I don't smell weed in your room anymore…” Cynthia had a defeated look in her eyes as Larry pulled up beside her, carrying a backpack on his shoulders and dragging two suitcases. Larry had a slightly frustrated look on his face which only worsened at the stench. Connor visibly flinched and Evan found the courage to leap up and stand closer to him.  
 ** _Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Murphy._**           Evan tried uselessly to avert the conversation. Larry utterly ignored him, Cynthia casting Evan a confused yet sympathetic look.  
  “Connor, how on earth did you get drugs? We’ve been watching over you, has all of our hard work gone to waste?” Larry let out a sigh of disappointment, as though this was normal. Which, now that Evan thought about it, probably was much more common than in his household.  
  "Why do you care what I do anyway? You didn't care when I tried to off myself.” Connor let out, tone menacing. Connor never really had amazing patience, but whatever little scrap he had seemed to be thrown out the window when his dad entered. Larry tensed     “You call staying up ungodly hours of the night when I have work at 5 AM, then paying insurance for your stupid act for attention not caring? We’ve made so many sacrifices for you, yet you still act so selfishly? There are starving children in Africa who would do anything for the life you have, yet you have the audacity to throw it all away?” Larry spat out like his son was garbage. Evan felt Connor's breath hitch as Connor swerved around the island and punched Larry square in the nose, causing him to stumble back a few steps. Cynthia covered her mouth with her hands, terrified. Larry stared at Connor, both trying to process what just happened. Larry’s face morphed from shock to fury, as he lifted a finger to the door.   
  "Get out of this house, you selfish, egotistical, attention seeking brat!” He shouted, face red. Connor shoved past him. Larry stormed up the steps and slammed his door, leaving Cynthia and Evan. After a few moments, Cynthia turned to him, offering him a grim smile.   
  "Would you like a hot chocolate before you go?” Cynthia asked. Evan hesitated, wanting to go after Connor, but realized things would go south with the current mood. He nodded slowly before taking a seat. Cynthia popped a small cup into the Keurig and turned on gentle instrumental music. Evan felt his nerves soothe a little at at calming atmosphere, the action causing him to feel a twinge of guilt that it was him and not Connor feeling content. Cynthia set down a mug next to Evan and assumed a seat near him. They sat in silence for a moment before Cynthia spoke up.   
  "I'm… I’m so sorry about what you had to witness today. I know it can be scary to watch, but Connor has never really gotten physical before, so…” Cynthia’s voice broke. “I was… caught off guard. Connor has had his episodes, one’s so bad that they threatened everybody’s safety, but I don't think Connor… I know Connor is my son, and even under all that anger, he does love his family. Or at least… Zoe and I.” Cynthia gave Evan an emotional smile. “I'm so happy you're here today, and I know this is going to sound very pushy, so you can definitely say no, but… would you mind sheltering Connor? At least for the night? If Larry and Connor stay at each other's throats, everything I've tried to build will crumble… Larry has never been that open minded, but I never thought it would end up so bad. Larry, bless his soul, truly is so hard on Connor because he is scared. I know it's hard to see now, but I know the man I met when I was nineteen is still there, under all that regret and anger. They've both changed and it's so hard to see them fight. So please, Evan, can you do this for me?” Cynthia looked at Evan hopefully. Evan nodded without a second thought, only soon after did he realize he might regret that. However, the smile that lit up Cynthia’s face made it a bit better. “Thank you so much, I will pack a bag, can you go find out where Connor went?”   
  **_Was it really okay to let him run off like that?_**  
  "There is no point in trying to negotiate with either of them when they get angry. Despite how much they fight, they have a very similar temper. Go on now, and thank you again.” Cynthia leapt up and poured Evan’s hot chocolate into a disposable travel cup and gave Evan a hug to send him off. “Goodbye now!” Cynthia waved as Evan walked in the direction of the foyer. Evan braced himself, prepared for a long search, but found it cut short. As he opened the door, he caught the seemingly small shape that was Connor curled up next to the door. Evan shut the door and sat down next to him, examining his what little of the sky they could see beyond the small overhang that stood over the porch. Evan took a small sip of his hot chocolate before offering some to Connor, who was clamping his hands together until the places he held and his knuckles turned white. Connor shook his head and Evan turned away, taking another sip. Evan waited a while longer before deciding to take initiative.  
  **_Do you wanna talk about it?_**  
  Connor shook his head. Evan offered him a small smile, which he hoped looked somewhat comforting. A small knock came from the other side of the door, followed by the plop of what Evan surmised was Connor’s duffel bag. Evan stood up and opened the door, snatching up the black and blue duffel bag, filled to the brim with clothes and other essentials. Connor looked a little relieved at the implications of what his duffel bag brought.   
  **_If you don't mind, you're staying at my place._**  
  Connor slowly nodded.  
  "I can't promise I'll be the best houseguest though.” Connor muttered.   Evan helped Connor up from his spot on the ground and once again tried to smile, this one looked a bit more forced and probably very weird.   
  **_My mom is going to be home late so we’ll have to walk, it's only a couple blocks away though._**   
  Evan lead Connor down the street, often glancing to make sure he was okay. Connor was scratching his arm very hard, his fingernails to short to do much harm. Evan paused and gently tapped his hand to get him to stop. Connor glared at Evan frustratedly but dropped his arms to his side. Sure, the silence was awkward, and he’d definitely face trouble with his mom when he got home, but Evan found himself more worried about Connor. Evan slowed a little and walked side by side with Connor, hoping his presence would be comforting. Their closeness was technically forced by the thin sidewalk, but Evan knew this is where he needed to be. Finally helping Connor after he helped Evan. Evan knew full well Connor would get bored of Evan someday, but for now, Evan wanted to do his best in their.. friendship.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mention of self harm, mentions of suicide attempt, cursing 
> 
> wowow this was late okay  
> life is hard okay don't hate me advanced math is like a lot harder than I thought lol  
> Also i'm trying to be more social or my mom will keep looking at me pitifully so   
> let's all do our best :0

Evan swung open the door to his apartment, stepping aside to let Connor in first. As Evan took a step in, everything felt different. The house usually felt so… _big_. Evan’s home usually felt devoid and huge, a place Evan could never truly fit in. Partially to his embarrassment, the apartment felt small, _cramped_ even. Connor stood stiffly in the doorway as Evan took a seat on the old couch right across from him, patting the spot next to him. Connor took a seat, suddenly slumping as if all of his issues weighed upon his shoulders. Evan glanced at the clock. Evan didn't really sleep well, which is why he tried to get in bed by about 8. It's not like he had anything to do, anyway. But now, Evan began to feel self-conscious about how early he fell asleep. Evan slept all too literally like a baby; sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night, sometimes crying but that's not the point. 

_**Do you want anything? I don't have much food but I have tea, coffee, water…?** _

Evan looked at Connor hopefully. Evan had read somewhere it's good to stay hydrated when you're upset, yet Evan personally could never force it down his throat. Connor shook his head, eyes focused on his feet. Evan did want to protest, but the way Connor’s fists clenched and the his erratic breathing, Evan didn't want to push his luck. Evan ran to his room and snatched up a couple pillows and blankets before returning to the living room. Evan pushed aside the coffee table and set up a small bed for himself on the floor, allowing Connor the couch. Truth be told, Evan was almost doing this for his own benefit. Evan never had a real sleepover per say. Sure he had slept over at Jared’s house before, but it felt more like they were living together more than anything. They never really interacted and sort of just did their own thing. Of course, Evan wasn't doing this _all_ for himself; he was truly worried about Connor. Evan knew his anxiety would just hurt his sleeping pattern more if he wasn't sure Connor was, well, here and not on the street or hurting himself in anyway.

Connor began to slide from the couch onto the bed Evan made on the ground before Evan sat in front of him, shaking his head quickly. 

“Seriously? I'm at your house, I'm not gonna act like a spoiled brat.”

_**I wouldn't call sleeping on my old couch being a ‘spoiled brat’** _

Connor scoffed.

“If I sleep on the couch, you should sleep in your own bed, at least. It makes me feel worse that I'm burdening somebody else.” Connor said in an indescribable tone. Evan looked at him seriously.

_**I won't get any sleep there, anyway.** _

“You'll fall asleep eventually, probably quicker than you would on the floor.” 

_**I'll be too worried.**_

Connor looked at him skeptically before standing up.

“Fine, whatever. Can I just take a shower?” Connor was already walking away before Evan could nod. Connor did that a lot, doing things before actually getting permission. Then again, Connor probably would've gone even if Evan said no. Evan sighed and flopped backwards, lifting his broken arm to examine. Evan gently brushed his other hand against the name scribbled against the plaster, eyes narrowed in thought. Evan felt himself zone out for god knows how long when the sound of the doorknob turning startled him. Evan quickly sat up as Heidi entered, a small smile on her face.

 _‘Mom, you're early?’_ Evan looked at Heidi, suddenly scared with how she would react to Connor’s presence. 

_‘Yeah, I was able to get the rest of the night off as a surprise! I bought taco meat, we can have dinner together!’_ Heidi had to set down the plastic grocery bag to sign, the noise echoing throughout the house. Evan suddenly realized the splashing of water in the bathroom had stopped, Connor would be out any moment. Evan turned to Heidi, but she was facing the other direction, preparing the meat. Evan tapped her shoulder, causing her to turn.

 _‘I know it's a bit late, but I know you haven't eaten anything.’_ Heidi gestured to the money on the counter. _‘Cmon sweetie, let me do this for you!’_ Evan raised his hands as the door to the bathroom opened with a loud creak. Heidi jumped and flipped her gaze towards the hallway as Connor stepped out, eyes widening. Evan looked between the both of them, wanting more than anything to merge with the floor. 

_‘That's Connor, is it okay if he stays the night?’_ Evan asked, though he technically couldn't take no for an answer. Heidi looked at Evan, face unreadable. Heidi hesitated before responding. 

_‘Yeah, of course’_ Heidi turned to Connor, an unusual smile on her face. She looked him up and down before speaking to him.

“So nice to see you Connor, make yourself comfortable.” Heidi turned and continued preparing the taco meat. Evan walked over to Connor and gestured for him to follow. Evan lead him down the hallway and into his room, sitting in his desk chair. Connor took his patchy bean bag, still drying his hair with a towel that was previously draping over his shoulders. Evan had never seen Connor in a short sleeved shirt, but he knew better than to stare. All that remained to hint at Connor’s attempt was pale scars that littered his arms, also the change in his demeanor, which only somebody who knew him somewhat would know. 

“Uh… your mom is nice. Certainly a change from my hellhole of a home.” Connor hung the towel on Evan’s doorknob and pulled his hair up into a five second bun with a hair tie Evan hadn't noticed was previously on his wrist. It felt unusual not to see Connor’s face not be covered with messy hair, but even with his hair up a couple thick strands fell across his features. 

_**I mean, yeah.** _

“What's with that wording?” Evan quickly shook his head.

_**That's not the point, I don't want to burden you right now anyway. I've been a bit much already.**_

Evan was a bit more open than he had planned on, but before he could fix his sentence Connor was responding.

“You'd be doing me a favor, I deal better being distracted then getting lost in my own sucky life.” Connor snorted, almost… sarcastically?

_**My mom is just kinda somewhat… very intent on getting me ‘fixed’ and even though she has the best intent, I guess it can sting a little.**_

‘Sting a little’ was an understatement. Evan absolutely _dreaded_ feeling like he was a broken object only here because of the possibility he could be fixed again. Evan hated feeling the way he did all the time but there was a small part of him that insisted he would never be fixed and just give up on it. Of course, that voice was only really loud when things got bad, well, worse than usual. Connor didn't respond and instead leaned back, resting his head on the wall. Evan picked at his cast, unsure of what to do. It had gone silent, and despite practicing a ton of conversation starters for his mom’s sake, it all seemed to disappear in an instant.

“Boys, dinner is ready!” Heidi's voice rang in Evans ears, making him have to swallow a sigh of relief. Evan lead Connor down the hallway, the smell of taco meat making Evan notice how hungry he was. Before they could reach the row of taco ingredients that were prepared prior to their entry, Heidi stopped Evan. “Um, Evan, may I speak to you?” Evan glanced at Connor who shrugged. Evan took that as permission and nodded to Heidi. “Connor, dear, feel free to prepare your taco without us, we’ll be back in a bit.” Heidi caught Evan’s shirt sleeve in her fingers and gently pulled him down the hallway.

_‘Evan, I got a call from the school. They said you were absent today.’_ Shit, Evan completely forgot. _‘Were you… with Connor?’_ Evan hesitated, not wanting to get Connor in more trouble than he already was in.

_‘Yes, only because I kinda fought with Jared and couldn't handle the rest of the day, and he offered to distract me. It wasn't his fault.’_ Evan gazed at his mother, an uncomfortable look on her face.

_‘Honey, you know I love you? Everything I suggest I suggest out of love.’_ Evan nodded slowly, the looming thought that something bad was going to happen ever more apparent. _‘Sweetheart, I know you are already going through so much, I'm just worried if it is really smart to be friends with Connor.’_ Evan stared at Heidi in disbelief, suddenly unsure of what to say. _‘I only say that because I don't want you to worry about him too much, I know he is struggling and I'm not sure if it's healthy for either of you…’_ Evan tensed up.

_‘Connor was nice enough to take me out and distract me for a while, I think we’ll be okay.’_ Heidi didn't looked satisfied with that answer.

_‘Evan, think about it. It's fine now, but don't tell me you didn't feel terrible when you found him, and you didn't even know him back then.’_ That Evan knew was right. Finding Connor’s seemingly lifeless body sent him into such a shock he couldn't even register it all. Even afterwards when he was given the okay by the doctors, Evan felt grim and hollow, almost as if he was the cause. 

_‘If you found him like that again now, how would you feel?’_ How would Evan feel? To describe that kind of emotion would be impossible. It'd be like any small spark of hope he had diminishing. That's what Connor was, right? No, Connor was so much more than that, but Evan would never figure out who Connor was if he offed himself. The thought of never being able to be there and never knowing Connor would definitely not do well for him. Evan knew this. Oh god, he knew that all too well. Connor was a spark of hope, and Evan just knew somewhere in his heart he needed to fan that spark and turn it into a flame. Evan needed that, even if it only turned into something small and he only relished in the warmth for a while. That's all he needed, and maybe Connor did too. 

_‘Mom, please, I thought you wanted me to make bonds. I can make this work. No, I will!’_ Evan looked at her pleadingly.

_‘Evan, I know you want friendships. I want you to make all the friends in the world! But I can't let you drag yourself down like this, please understand…’_ Evan wanted to throw up.

_‘Why don't you trust me with this? Why do my problems block me from making friends? I bet if I didn't have to take pills and make you take down old family pictures you'd probably not worry about this!’_ Heidi gasped, taking a step back.

_‘Maybe it is, because I know you aren't in the best place! That's why you need friends to help you, not somebody who threatens your mental health! It's truly unhealthy! I want you to think that over seriously before you dive into this friendship that could turn toxic!’_ Evan knew she was probably right to some extent. In fact, she was about spot on. Connor and Evan weren't necessarily compatible friends. It's so obvious, anybody would notice. Yet somehow, Evan couldn't accept that. Evan couldn't just leave that spark of hope to die. Evan flipped around and ran into the kitchen, stopping in front of Connor, who had set down his plate to eat.

“Is something wro---ng?” Evan grabbed Connor's less scarred wrist and dragged him as gently as he could to his room, passing by a defeated Heidi. Evan slammed the door behind them and jumped away from Connor, who had a confused look on his face. “Did you guys fight or something?” Connor muttered. Evan stared at the ground, clenching his fists together. Evan snatched up a paper and pressed a pencil hard against the paper, scribbling frustratedly. Connor watched Evan as he basically ripped up the paper with his pencil, waiting until he slowed down before snorting a little. “Is that how you, like, scream or something? Sorry but that's comedic as hell to watch.” Evan sighed and gave him a fake smile. Though he genuinely appreciated the light hearted joke, Evan couldn't bring himself to smile earnestly. Evan flipped the scribbled, ripped page, agitated to find the next one tipped as well. Evan flipped a few pages until he found a clean one.

_**Sorry, i don't want to make you worry. I can't yell and I definitely don't like hitting or kicking anything so when I get annoyed I scribble a lot. It's a waste of paper thought, so I try to instead use a stress toy or something.**_

“If you don't wanna talk that's fine, but don't worry about making...me… worry. Just, uh, I'm gonna go get my bag.” Connor stood, pulling a strand of hair out of his face as he walked out the door. Evan practiced his breathing, trying to ignore the anger that came from remembering their conversation. Evan flopped onto his bed, praying for the feeling he had since his argument with Jared to just disappear. On second thought, it was more like he wanted to disappear. Connor returned from the living room, juggling his bag, his plate with a taco, and the blankets Evan prepared earlier. Evan jumped up and took the blankets and bag, setting them on his bed. Evan gave him and uncomfortable look.

_**You didn't have to trouble yourself, I could've gotten the blankets.**_

“Are you gonna apologize for every little thing I do that's even remotely for you? Geez, It was just convenient. I was there anyway, it'd be stupid to make you go out there when I could've, not to mention it'd be a pretty jerk move. I'm a freeloader here, I think the bare minimum of what I can do is pick up a couple blankets.” Connor sat down and took a bite of his taco, a disinterested look in his eyes. “Oh, you don't care if I eat in here, right?” He clarified, taking another bite as if the answer meant nothing either way. 

_**It's fine, do you mind if I turn in early?**_

Connor glanced at the clock, an incredulous look on his face.

“At 8:50?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

_**I take a long time to fall asleep.**_

Evan gave him an embarrassed half smile. Connor shrugged.

“As long as you don't care if I stay up late.” Evan nodded, quickly setting Connor's bag aside and preparing a small bed on the floor. Evan tip toed over the makeshift bed and flipped off the lights, a very faint glow from the star lights above Evan’s bed keeping everything decently visible. “...Good night.” Connor whispered as Evan tucked himself in his pale green sheets. Evan turned and nodded in return, laying down facing opposite of where Connor sat. Evan examined the window, pretty much the only thing he had a good view of from here. He thought back to the day, all the regret piling up.

_What on earth am I doing?_


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of self-harm, flashbacks, yelling, arguing (if you want me to add anything else don't be afraid to ask and I'll add it from now on!)
> 
> So... I think I'll have the loose schedule of posting anytime Saturday-Monday. I normally post around that time anyway so it shouldn't feel different. Of course, I could post earlier or later for whatever reason, but that's not likely lol. Uh I hope y'all enjoy this chapter! I'm kind of done with making Evan 'choke on air' and such, I want to go deeper than that soon. Also, this chapter wasn't really a part of my outline? So if it seems unusual, I did it on a whim because I didn't want to rush this next portion of the story. Next chapter will probably be a Connor chapter, I'm excited to write from his point of view again :)

It had been a couple days since Connor stayed over. It was uncomfortably tense that morning since Heidi insisted on making breakfast. Connor had gone home and Evan couldn't bring himself to talk to him. His phone vibrated every once and a while after Connor left, which only added onto his guilt. The tension in Evans home grew worse. Despite Heidi’s best efforts, Evan suddenly couldn't help but act like a child and ignore her. Heidi only wanted him to be happy, and Evan knew by how he hardly saw her anymore things were intense at work. She was probably very out of it that night and acted rashly. Evan did too, there was no denying that. So why couldn't he swallow what little pride he had? Was it really pride or just walls? Walls he had built because Evan couldn't stand the judgement he got from other students and now his mother. Evan couldn't tell if he was upset with Heidi anymore, if anything it was the thought that now the one person in the world who seemed to love him was acting like everybody else who thought he was some pitiful loser. Which, by the way Evan was acting, was probably accurate. Evan gazed at the makeshift bed Connor slept on previously that Evan couldn't get himself to clean up. He exhaled and stood up from his bed from the first time he had that day. Evan hadn’t gone to school, always deleting the message the school left on the home phone before Heidi got back. Evan opened the curtains, narrowing his eyes at the light that poured through. He turned and stared at his outdated phone, taking a moment before lifting it from his bedside stand. About ten messages popped up, all left unread. The most recent one, sent earlier this morning from Connor, caught Evan’s eye. _Meet me at the abandoned park at 12_. Evan looked at the clock which stated 12:01. Evan really wasn't sure if he was mentally ready to leave his room but knew better than to leave Connor. Evan decided only to change his pants, given Connor was already there and he had no time to waste. Evan ran to the bathroom, wanting to throw up at how unkempt he looked. Yet, if Evan wanted to get there before Connor left, he didn't have time to fix his hair or anything. He forced a hairbrush through his hair and raced out the door. The brightness was still too much and it was shockingly cold outside for a September day yet Evan didn't stop. Instead, he raced down the apartment steps and down the sidewalk, pushing back his self consciousness of looking worse than usual. Evan took a sharp turn into the park, kneeling and panting from the sudden exercise from a couple days of virtually no movement. When Evan regained his breath, he raised his upper body, examining the small park. Connor sat under the same tree he was that night, this time at least physically alive. Connor was packing up a sketchbook and expensive looking colored pencils when he saw Evan. Connor looked both relieved and angry, a quality that still baffled Evan. Connor rushed over, Evan instinctively tensed up. Connor paused, a despondent look on his face, before shaking his head and looking down at Evan.

“Why haven’t you been responding to my texts? I thought that you, like…. I don’t know, but why?” Connor blurred out, voice verging on a yell. It was times like these Evan wished he could speak. Comfort Connor and assure him it wasn’t his fault, because it really wasn’t. It was Evan’s fault for losing his temper with well-meaning mother. Even if they both got lost in the argument, Evan was primarily to blame for his selfish desire for a friendship that maybe wasn’t even worth anything. Yet… this was all he had. And now he was risking losing it all by ignoring Connor and his mother.

_**I’m really sorry, I know an apology can’t make up for being a jerk, but I was just a bit upset over arguing with my mom, nothing to worry about.**_

 ** _“_** Nothing to worry about’? You never responded, and you _always_ respond, even if it’s late, just to apologize for something as stupid as texting back late! I went to school the next two days and you weren’t there! You could’ve been dead for all I knew, yet here you are, alive and probably so amused that I cared even a little for somebody who is obviously… obviously _faking_ being friends or whatever with me!” Connor had sunk deeper into himself, convincing himself of things Evan could hardly stand to think he thought. Evan almost did find it amusing; not in the way Connor said, but instead in the fact that it was the exact opposite. Evan was clinging onto this friendship not only like, but instead _because_ it was his lifeline. This was the only thing giving him hope, he only thing telling Evan that maybe something might work out decently for him. Maybe he could find the happiness he left with his younger self. As Evan began writing about how Connor couldn’t be more wrong, the notebook was slapped out of his hands onto the dirt. 

“Stop it! Stop it, I don’t want to hear you _lie_ to me! I don’t want to hear you make up excuses and tell me bullshit about how I’m just overthinking and hear you talk about me like I’m some angelic human because I’m _not!_ I’m an idiot, for even thinking I was worthy of being cared about! Just go back to that Jared guy and laugh about how you tricked me! Go on, I don’t give a shit!” Connor was visibly shaking, eyes unfocused as he screamed. Evan stared, dumbfounded, as screams that always seemed to stay at the back of his mind echoed through his ears.

“ _Useless, stupid little kid!”_ The man’s voice bellowed, slurred yet intense. Evan felt himself choke on air, rubbing his head to try and forget, this wasn’t the right time for this stupid crap! Evan noticed Connor stomping past him, causing him to flip around, grabbing his wrist in an attempt to stop him. Connor yelped in pain.

_“Let go of me, Evan, I won’t be a part of your worthless life anymore!”_ Evan accidentally squeezed Connor’s wrist harder as terror courses through him, causing Connor to shove Evan off, a small stain showing through his sleeves. Evan fell, suddenly feeling dizzy. Echoes of similar screams reverberated around his brain, the sound of footsteps retreating barely registering in his crowded brain. Evan half opened his eyes, seeing Connor disappear behind the corner. Evan stumbled to his feet, bile rising in his throat. Evan ran towards the corner Connor had disappeared behind, eyes unfocused and the world spinning too fast around him. In the distance, a faint figure of Connor was still visible. Evan sprinted, breathing erratic. As Evan reached Connor, he this time aimed and clutched his jacket instead of his forearm. Connor flipped around, eyes fierce.

“I said go away!” Connor hissed. Evan turned his gaze from the ground to Connor’s, staring at him pleadingly. Connor stared for a moment before tugging Evan’s hand off. “Just...just… I can’t talk now!” Connor clenched his hands together, obviously trying to calm down. “If you have to laugh at me, do it when I’m not on the verge of punching something.” Connor didn’t wait for any sort of response before turning and walking briskly away. Evan watched him leave, unsure of how to feel. Perhaps… Connor had the right idea to wait when they were calm to talk again. Yet, the guilt of it all weighed Evan down and all he wanted to do was fix everything. Evan turned and began walked back, praying he wouldn’t throw up on the side of the road. Evan stared up at the morning sky, the seemingly endless blue abyss making his sickness worse. Evan fixed his gaze onto the pavement, not even noticing how bad he was shaking until his saw his legs basically vibrating. Evan spent the rest of the walk home trying to figure out how to fix this… this _mess._


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions/descriptions of self harm, intrusive thoughts, suicide mentions/note
> 
>  
> 
> I should really start adding fluff this whole story has just been plain agony lol... don't worry, it'll get better soon!  
> ....probably..?

Connor stomped his way home, throwing open the door roughly enough to shake the frames that littered the wall and table in the foyer. His breathing was ragged and his vision was unfocused. Connor hardly noticed his younger sister watching tv in the living room as he rushed past, shaking uncontrollably. The tall boy raced up the steps into his bathroom, locking the door behind him. Connor rolled his sleeves up, examining the damage. Along the long line of uneven cuts, only a couple had opened, yet they bled profusely. He stripped his hoodie off and began hastily dabbing the slightly damp sleeve, praying he wouldn’t have to put it in the laundry. Connor felt himself grow more and more tense and he began scrubbing the sleeve, the stain showing no sign of completely disappearing. It had gone a little, but the walk he had to endure from the park to home was long enough for it to dry up a little. Connor let out a frustrated growl and threw the hoodie across the bathroom, suddenly noticing how much he wanted to scratch at the scabs that littered his less deep cuts. Connor remembers Evan’s distressed face which only made it worse. Connor knew something was wrong with Evan, for him to be pushing everybody away, but god it made him so angry. Perhaps because he saw himself in Evan. 

Connor vaguely remembered when he was younger and he began to pull himself away as matters got worse. Every time Evan looked at him in the eyes he felt like it was himself, begging for him to just _stop, stop ruining this child’s life._ Evan was much better off without him, Connor knew he shouldn’t have asked for them to talk later. He should have just left. Connor shouldn’t have forced himself on Evan like that. Connor knew, but there was a selfish voice in his head. A voice that told him maybe he can make sure Evan doesn’t go down the same path Connor did, so he could maybe forgive himself for ruining his own life before. _“Just like me to only do things for my own benefit”_ Connor let out a pained chuckle, a couple droplets of blood from his opened wounds spotting the bathroom floor. Connor hobbled over to the cabinet, pulling out bandages and scissors. Connor half heartedly cleaned his wound with water from the sink, biting back a hiss as the cold water turned from a crystal clear to a stained red as it reached the bowl of the sink. Connor grabbed the scissors, preparing to cut a long strip of bandages when a small knock caught him off guard.

“...Connor?” Zoe’s voice sounded strong but a well hidden quiver that signified her fear didn’t get past Connor. _Shit._ Connor hastily began preparing bandages, movements shaky and sloppy as he rushed. Connor didn’t even tape the bandage wrapped around his arm down as he pulled his hoodie on and opened the bathroom door, facing Zoe. 

“... What?” Connor asked impatiently, subconsciously scratching near his inner arm and wincing.

“Why aren’t you at school?” She pressed, mentally taking note of his unsettled nature.

“Why aren’t _you_ at school?” Connor flashed back immediately. Zoe gave him an irritated look.

“I have a free period right before lunch, and since we live near the school I thought it was stupid to sit around doing nothing and went home for my free period and lunch. What are you doing here?” Zoe brought up her previous question, staring him down. Connor hesitated, but the frustration from earlier had yet to die down. He shoved past her, almost knocking her off her feet.

“Oh, the usual, smoking crack or whatever you and Larry think.” It wasn’t particularly a well thought out jab, but it was enough to make Zoe tense.

“If that’s how you’re gonna be…” She turned tail and left his room, voice laced with hatred. Connor jumped as the door slammed behind her. He collapsed onto his bed, sighing in relief at finally being alone, where he didn’t have to try and act like something he just wasn’t. Connor used all of his knowledge of kindness on Evan, little though it may be, and expelled all of his anger on his family. Truth be told, he was neither of those things. No matter how hard Connor tried, he knew better than to try and be a good person. The less people caring about his existence, the better. Despite knowing this, a wave of longing spilled over Connor. If only he weren’t such a mess, maybe he and Evan could be friends. Maybe he could get along better with Zoe, maybe he wouldn’t have to hide bandages in his room ‘just in case’. But maybes will get Connor nowhere. An even decently nice Connor just wasn’t possible. Connor sent an icy glare to a mirror on the other side of the room, fighting back the urge to punch the face looking back at him. However, the fight didn’t last long as he quickly realized he probably wouldn’t get up anyway. Connor rolled over, glancing at the afternoon sky before pulled the covers up over his head. He didn’t expect sleep from this action, all he tried to do was hide. That much Connor knew he could do. Hide from the problems that looked over him, threatening to collapse on him at any moment. 

Connor wasn’t sure how long he laid there, staring at the small hole of light that trickled in through a small opening in the blanket that wrapped around him. It had been there long enough for the light to grow darker. Cynthia and Larry were probably home by now. Neither of them had come up yet, which he was thankful for. Ever since their argument, Larry hadn’t spoken a word to Connor. He refused to even sit in the same room. Connor learned this quickly and began purposefully coming around the time he was usually halfway through his breakfast. The first couple times, Larry had left his breakfast uneaten, until he grew stubborn and began staying put. Connor didn’t care what he did so this didn’t affect him anyway. Cynthia, however, didn’t seem angry. Disappointed, probably, but that wasn’t anything new to Connor. What also wasn’t new was Cynthia and Larry’s hushed arguments which slowly became more frequent. Even if they spoke in hushed tones, Connor knew full well the topic of their arguments. A soft tap broke Connor from his thoughts, causing him to let out a small groan and lift the blanket off his frame. Connor first took a glance at his door, when movement in the corner of his eye caught him off guard. Connor flipped around, shocked to see the stiff figure of Evan Hansen outside his window. Connor wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk to Evan again, or ever really, but the two boys had already made eye contact. He stood from his maroon bedsheets and approached the window, still very unsettled by Evan’s appearance. Evan was most definitely not the type to do this kind of thing, unless desperate; which he probably was. Connor opened the window, hearing Evan’s soft pants, surmising he ran over. Evan’s hair was ruffled and messy, similar to how it was that morning. He was covered in leaves and the front of his shirt and pants were slightly damp, implying he had fallen into a puddle of some sort.

“What are you doing here, you’re going to be caught!” Connor hissed, yet still stepped aside for Evan to step inside. As per usual, the boy came prepared with a small backpack of little essentials for himself. Evan pulled out a notebook, seemingly untouched from whatever he fell in, and began to write. 

_**I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have come but I knew I needed to but I should have waited until tomorrow or something I’m sorry.**_

While all of the apologies agitated Connor, Evan’s overall appearance was what really caught his eye. Evan was dripping, sweating, and holding up a long, sad apology; he looked pitiful, pathetic even. Connor remembered to all the times Evan had fallen before and suddenly realized how clumsy he was, for such a small and seemingly proportionate boy. How did somebody so clumsy climb such an odd tree to get up to Connor’s window without anybody noticing? While Connor did intend to get these questions answered, he couldn’t stand to look at Evan the way he was any longer, even if anger still sat stubbornly in his heart.

“I know you need to talk but you look awful.” Connor stated bluntly. Evan paused and took a moment to glance down, suddenly hunching over and face flushing, as if he was trying to fold into himself. Connor gritted his teeth before continuing. “Go take a shower, I’ll just pretend it’s me if anybody comes in.” Evan immediately tensed and shook his head, waving his hands in dismissal. Connor took another look at Evan’s shaking form and ignored his denial, fetching a small shirt and jeans for the sandy-brown haired boy. Connor couldn’t imagine Evan in normal skinny jeans for some reason but it was all he had. That and disgusting sweatpants that hadn’t been washed in a fair amount of time. Connor shoved the small pile of clothes into Evan’s hands and gave him a gentle push towards the door that led to his bathroom. Evan glanced back at him hesitantly, as if asking if it was really okay. Connor sighed and nodded, Evan turning and entering the bathroom. Connor plopped down next to Evan’s bag, getting a good look at his notebook. The front was super uncool, covered with stick on jewels, basic inspirational quotes and glitter glue, yet seemed to fit Evan in an odd way. Connor quickly surmised Heidi was behind such a cover, knowing Evan would never do anything that could hurt his already tarnished reputation. Then again, Connor would’ve scoffed if somebody told him Evan snuck up to their second story window. In Evan’s bag sat another notebook, one looking much more worn than the one he used for communicating. Connor took it in his hands, almost opening it when he hesitated. Connor knew what privacy meant to people, probably more than the anybody, but Connor knew virtually nothing about Evan. Sure he knew his basic personality and a few of his interests, but nothing about who he really was below that surface level information. Connor took hold of the tattered notebook and began reading. The first few pages were basic journal entries, but in an odd format. They were kind of like letters to himself, mentioning moments that excited him and told him the bright side of things. The entries started at a decent length before slowly dwindling. They grew less enthusiastic, some even sounding sarcastic and cynical. Connor was a little startled as he turned one page and found two whole pages scribbled out and ripped, implying Evan was pushing way to hard. What was worse was that there was no sign of handwriting underneath the dark scribbles, as though he was so frustrated or upset over something he needed to do anything to relieve it. The next page, however, was a lot worse. There was a large rip through the middle and it was dotted with droplets of water, yet still faintly readable. The date was a bit after a week from the last entry, seeming to be addressed to Heidi instead of himself. This was a bit before school started, seemingly.

_**Thursday, September 15th**_

**_Dear Mom,_ **

**_I’m sure if you’re reading this, I owe you an apology. Knowing me, I’m too pitiful to verbally get it out and tell you exactly how I feel. Then again, I couldn’t describe it to myself even if I tried. I wanted to apologize for being such a weight to you. For constantly being a burden you had to carry and worry about every aching moment. Perhaps you will be sad for a while, but please don’t mourn over me. Please be free and live a full life without overworking yourself for me. Also, please don’t blame yourself, for it is definitely not your fault. It is mine, and mine alone. I’m sorry for being a burden to you, I love you._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Evan._ **

Connor gazed at the page for what seemed like an eternity, unwilling to believe what the words intended. Connor slammed the notebook shut and shoved it back into Evan’s backpack, breathing hastening. _What the hell had he just read?_


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for once I don't think there are any trigger warnings wowow   
> since last chapter was a week late this is to catch up lol  
> I hope you all enjoy <3

Evan stepped out of the marble shower, hesitantly grabbing one of Connor’s many clean towels and drying off. Even the bathroom was beautiful, despite having clothes and products strewn about. Then again, there weren’t many products to speak of, just some empty dry shampoo cans and basic face wipes. Evan felt slightly uncomfortable as he slid into the the clothes given, a lightly used dark purple sweater and skinny jeans. Connor may have been the taller one, but he was very thin. The pants were an odd fit, very long but still somewhat tight, while the sweater was loose and fell comfortably on his frame. Connor had assured Evan that it was okay for him to wear his clothes and such, but it still felt very odd for him. Evan sighed and brushed out his damp hair, not even daring to turn on his hair dryer and notify the whole house of his presence. Evan inhaled, feeling a random wave of anxiety hit him as he grasped the handle, as if he was doing something bold. Jared had showered and Evan’s house before and he seemed fine, but then again Evan was always scared of things other people weren’t. The brown haired boy slowly twisted the doorknob, opening to see Connor, staring at his feet. Connor snapped up to look at him, an indescribable look on his face. Probably still angry from earlier, a thought that added a weight to his shoulders. They both stared at each other for a moment before Connor offered Evan’s notebook to him. Evan flushed a little as he realized Connor must’ve seen the cover Heidi made for him, yet still took it gratefully. Connor shifted uncomfortably, opening and closing his mouth as if he was trying to formulate words.

“Um… I… uh…” Connor’s voice quivered ever so subtly, Evan just now noticing he was shaking. Evan gazed at him worriedly, mind running wild. This was it, he was going to say he didn’t want to be friends because Evan is such a wreck or something. “I really wish you didn’t come until tomorrow, Hansen…” Connor’s thick hair began to fall in his face, almost completely hiding his eyes from view. “But you’re here now… you’re really unpredictable, you know that?” Evan was many things, but unpredictable was not a term he would use to describe himself. Connor took deep breaths, seeming to try and calm himself down. Guilt swamped over Evan and he began to think. Evan thought for a moment before searching through his bag, picking out a basic black and white fidget cube. He turned and offered it to Connor, who paused before gently taking it in his surprisingly small hands. Connor at first seemed hesitant but eventually got used to fiddling with the small cube. “I’m sorry for being such an idiot…” Connor grumbled, catching Evan off guard. “And don’t you dare spout some crap about how you were in the wrong and how I’m not an idiot because I _am,_ or at least was acting like one then.” Evan put down the pen he had snatched up to disagree with Connor, opting to instead listen intently. “I don’t know why you ignored me, but honestly, you should be ignoring me. I mean, I was upset then, but… it’s like- I mean- you shouldn’t be hanging out with somebody like me. I’m a _parasprite._ There is a reason I don’t have friends, and why I won’t have any. I’m terrible, a psychopath-“ Evan without thinking put his hand over Connor’s mouth, pulling back as quickly as he made contact. Connor paused, obviously too upset to process that awkward action. 

_**If you want me to say you didn’t act right back at the park, I can go along with that. But please- I can never agree with you calling yourself a psychopath. Connor, I know I don’t know you well…**_ **at all, _really, but I want to. I really want to know, I want to be your friend if you want to be mine? I’msorryifthatsoundsweirdbutimeanibutifyoudontwanttothatsfine._**

Connor gazed at his long paragraph, squinting to read the parts Evan subconsciously wrote close together. Connor looked honestly stunned, causing Evan to immediately tense and close his notebook, palms clammy and face flushed. Connor glanced at Evan’s bag and back at Evan, his usually intense gaze somewhat melted away into something softer. The soft look oddly enough made Evan want to cry.

“...I know we established this earlier but I’m a terrible friend, so you’ll have to learn to deal with that, Hansen.” Connor muttered, words harsh but tone soft. His hands stopped fidgeting with the box on his lap, eyes averted from Evan’s, obviously embarrassed. Despite already declaring their status as friends, this felt almost like a confirmation of that bond. A small smile appeared on Evan’s face.

_**What do we do now, then?**_

“Well don’t ask me, I just told you I’m a terrible friend!” Connor scoffed, a joking frown crossing Evan’s face. Connor glanced at his hand which held the fidget cube before holding it up to Evan. “Thanks.” Evan nodded as a “You’re welcome”, taking the fidget cube and approaching his bag. Evan opened it and, as he was dropping in the cube, he noticed his journal tucked in, corners at the bottom folded up and messy. Evan pulled it out, fixing the bent up corners. At the corner of his eye, Evan noticed Connor flinch and turn a little away.

_**What’s wrong?**_

Connor visibly tensed but did not turn around.

“...Nothing. My family is home and you’re gonna get caught if you stay much longer.” Connor quickly changed the subject, catching Evan’s attention. However, Connor was right. It was shocking enough nobody had heard them yet, Evan should be leaving. Evan neatly tucked his things in his bag, deciding to blame the bent corners on him stuffing the stack of notebooks into his pack when he rushed over to Connor’s. Evan leapt onto the window sill, biting back the urge to throw up at the height. “Bye Hansen.” Connor waved, a small smile on his face. It was small but genuine, unlike his past sarcastic and fake smiles. Evan waved in return, trying to offer a big smile that probably looked very weird and awkward. Evan turned and stepped onto the tree branch, beginning his trip home.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -gasp- ANOTHER chapter with (i don't think) any trigger warnings? Too much happiness oops.  
> Lol sorry, I intended posting this last Monday night but had some last minute changes and formatting issues, specifically with the last scene in this chapter. Aaaaaalso dropped my science grade to a low B and I have a test coming up :,) Future chapters shouldn't be hindered by this I just had a small 'oh crap' moment when I realized I needed to study more lol. Hope y'all like this chapter!

Evan climbed the stairs to his apartment building, examining his now dimmed surroundings. One thing that particularly caught his eye was the dark but still visible enough to identify figure of Heidi’s car. _She was early._ Evan dashed down the line of doors until he found his, hands fumbling with the lock as he tried to sneak in. However, the moment he opened the door, Heidi stepped in front of him. She had an extremely worried look on her face, jumping in to wrap him in a tight hug. Evan glanced at the counter over her shoulder, seeing a

cold taco with only a small bite, implying he had once again made her worry enough not to eat. Heidi pulled away and moved her hands to his face, as if reassuring herself it was him.

_‘Where were you?’_ She signed, looking him up and down. _‘Where did you get those clothes?’_ Her eyes narrowed, expression showing concern and anger. Evan wasn’t exactly sure how to say that he had snuck into his friend’s house and used his shower since, in his haste, he had clumsily crashed into a puddle that had formed from the light sprinkle earlier that day and almost fell out of the aforementioned friend’s tree twice. So, instead, Evan simplified.

_‘I went to a friend’s house.’_ Heidi stared, as if expecting more, but Evan couldn’t figure out what else to say. _‘I tripped in a puddle and they let me borrow their clothes.’_ Heidi gave Evan a knowing look, probably knowing Evan was talking about Connor from the moment he didn’t use a specific name or pronouns. Heidi let out a sigh as the tension drained from her shoulders.

‘ _Evan, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I don’t intend to make excuses for my actions, but things have been crazy at work… Ive been known for taking extra shifts so many people rely on me and… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let my frustration out on you and Connor. Honey, I do hope you can understand my concerns still. I’m still worried you’ll bite off more than you can chew when it comes to taking care of him so… please be open with me.’_ Heidi gazed at him hopefully, a small smile gracing her pale, tired features. Evan wanted to sob, apologize and tell her it was him acting like a child and avoiding her. It was Evan who felt so bad for himself he skipped school and sat in bed all day. Evan pulled the slightly shorter woman into a hug, slightly awkward and stiff but loving all the same. Evan still held his reservations for his mom, but that feeling when she hugged back made them seem minuscule and unimportant. After was seemed like a long time, Heidi pulled away.

_“I really do need to get to bed if I want to be ready for the early shift tomorrow. Heat the taco up, if you’re still hungry. I love you so much, Evan, I’m glad we talked.’_ Heidi gave him a little wave and disappeared down the hallway. Evan turned to the tacos on the counter, quickly washing off Heidi’s plate which she seemed to forget about and scraped his taco meat back into its container, still not hungry. After cleaning up a little, Evan entered his room and snatched up his phone. Evan decided now was as good a time as any to look at the texts Connor had sent.

**Connor:Hey. You weren’t at school.**

**Connor:Are you sick or something?**

**Connor:Hansen?**

**Connor:Evan, did I do something?**

**Connor:Evan if you’re avoiding me just tell me.**

**Connor:Just talk so I know you’re not dead or something.**

**Connor:Meet me at the abandoned park at 12.**

Guilt stabbed Evan in the chest, almost seeing Connor’s face as he read the messages. Evan stared for a long moment, finally deciding to text something himself.

**Evan:I’m really sorry for not answering these**

**Connor:It’s fine.**

Connor’s response came a lot quicker than expected.

**Evan:Are you going to school tomorrow?**

**Connor:Are you?**

Evan hesitated.

**Evan:Yeah I should.**

**Connor:I’ll come then.**

**Evan:Shouldn’t you be going out of**

**your own will? Nooffenseoranything**

**Connor:What will?**

Evan let out a quiet chuckle at that.

**Evan:Fair point.**

**Connor:...Hey Evan, what’s that**

**tattered notebook in your**

**bag?**

Evan froze, instinctively glancing at his journal.

**Evan:Sometbjbb enabrszsjng**

**Evan:Something embarrassing*!**

**Evan:Why?**

**Evan:Was it open?**

**Evan:Did you like see inside?**

**Evan:Like read it?**

**Evan:Not toblame you or anything**

Connor took a moment to respond, causing Evan’s heart to skip a beat.

**Connor:Its okay I didn’t read it**

**calm down.. maybe you**

**shouldn’t carry that around**

**If it causes you so much**

**anxiety though?**

**Evan:Mom thought it was a good idea.**

**Evan:To keep a journal**

**Evan:That’s what it is**

**Evan:You didn’t need to know that shoot**

**Connor: Lol I won’t tell anyone**

**I have one too, now**

**you know I won’t tell.**

**Evan:?**

**Connor:You have blackmail**

**against me now, if I**

**told anybody you could**

**tell them about my journal.**

**Evan:Bjut I wouldn’t do that**

**Evan:But***

**Evan:I mean like**

**Evan:Yeah i wouldn’t do that?**

**Evan:Probably?**

**Connor:Lol I guess not.**

**Connor:I gotta try and sleep.**

**Evan:You don’t seem like the kinda**

**person that goes to sleep early..?**

**Connor:Like I said, ‘try’.**

**Connor:Good night, Hansen.**

**Evan:Good night Connor ;)**

**Evan: :)*!!!**

**Evan:Not a wonky fave!**

**Evan:winky face*!!**

**Evan:Sorry good night**


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another super late chapter plblvpvl  
> Uh kinda sad again but life is hard ?  
> Sorry this one took so long, I watched Stranger Things and was inspired so I wrote a ton, perhaps if y’all are interested I’ll post them? They’re all just one shots, mostly mileven and one Max and Eleven forgiving each other moment... nothing too exciting but they were fun to write. Hope y’all enjoy this one!
> 
> Tw: cursing, arguing, panicking, anxiety

   Evan pulled a raincoat on over his loose green shirt, glancing at the window sprinkled with water drops. The boy went through his old backpack, pulling out the tattered notebook he used as a journal and set it in his desk drawer, not wanting another situation like the one with Connor the previous night. Evan felt himself tense at the thought of Connor going through his journal, suddenly feeling an urge to throw it in the rain and allow the water to destroy the already weak pages. However, Evan didn’t want to throw even the smallest of extra costs on his mother and instead buried it deep under the pile of papers that littered his drawer. Evan threw his now closed backpack over his shoulder and ran out the door, using his brief moments under the safety of the apartment complex’s roof to throw his waterproof hood over his briefly combed sandy brown hair. Evan was thankful he got ready quickly as he had plenty of time to walk to school, however still opted to jogging in spurts of energy, despite the rain that pelted his face when he did so. Connor said he was coming to school today and, though he didn’t specify when he was coming, Evan reasoned he would drive with Zoe and she always came early. Evan felt somewhat disgusted at himself that he watched her enough to know when she came and when she left, however shoved that feeling down until it felt like a rock in his shoe; annoying but easy enough to ignore. Evan fell into a normal walking pace as the school came into view, not wanting to stand out by running. He kept himself a good three feet from the students crowded in groups around him, however couldn’t halt the few students who felt like it was necessary to shove past him despite there being plenty of room around him.   
As Evan approached his locker, he couldn’t help but feel somewhat anxious. Jared’s locker was only two away from his, and they usually arrived around the same time, Jared always arriving right before him. Given Evan had basically ran to school, he surmised Jared wasn’t far behind. Evan briskly shoved his unneeded books into his locker and barely held himself from throwing it shut, turning heel and fleeing from the area. Evan felt a twinge of guilt and self-loathing knowing he couldn’t even apologize, adding to that disgusted feeling from earlier and his day was already below average. Evan was thankful to see Connor leaning on a pole near their usual meeting place, obviously not wanting to sit in the rain. Connor gave him a subtle wave to which he returned with a half-hearted smile, Connor obviously catching on but staying quiet.   
    ** _You came._**   
   Evan looked at Connor, who gave him a amused look in response.  
   “I said I would, did you not believe me?” Connor snorted as Evan began to scribble down an anxious apology. Connor gently pushed down on the notebook, moving it away from Evan’s face. “Just kidding.” Evan stared for a moment before smiling amusedly. Evan turned around leaned on a pole facing Connor, leaving them in a comfortable silence. Evan noticed Connor examining him a couple feet away, tilting his head as a way to ask why. Connor seemed to understand as he spoke up. “Um, are you worried about Jared or something?”  
    ** _Why would you think that?_**  
   “You just kinda look upset. I’m terrible at reading people so I’m probably wrong.” Connor shrugged. Evan was embarrassed at how easy it was to tell that he was upset.  
    ** _I guess a little._**  
   ‘A little’ was an understatement, the thought of Jared despising him was more or less terrifying. However, Evan knew he had already bothered Connor a lot the past week, and didn’t want to burden him more. Connor scowled.  
   “You shouldn’t waste your time on that asshole.” He scoffed, eyes narrowed as he glared at his feet. Evan knew he was, to some degree, right, however it wasn’t that simple.  
    ** _I just don’t want him to hate me._**  
   Connor let out a sigh.  
   “I guess. Just apologize, if he doesn’t forgive you then screw him.” Connor paused. “Figuratively.” Evan nodded slowly to show he understood, holding back a chuckle at Connor’s add-on. “He’ll be here soon, you should probably go.” Evan hesitated.  
    ** _Are you sure?_**    
   “Yeah, I’ll be here when you’re done.” Evan nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat and breathed in deeply, chest aching with anxiety. He forced his feet to move forward, back the way he came. Evan gave an anxious glance back at  
Connor, who waved his hand in a lazy version of encouragement. The sandy haired boy gulped audibly as he turned and continued on. Several scenarios played through Evan’s head, most of which being bad and the others being… fine but not ideal. He felt the urge to throw up and go home instead but knew he at least had to apologize. Sure, he didn’t quite disagree with what he had said during their argument, however Evan still regretted saying it in such a rude manner and knew he was at least somewhat in the wrong. Jared was leaning on his locker, hair littered with rain drops and face illuminated by the glow of his phone. Evan clenched his fists together, begging for his body to stop shaking. He let out a huge breath, wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, and trudged forward. The world felt like it had stopped moving and focused on him, only causing him to breathe deeper and heavier. Jared glanced up from his phone, staring for a moment before giving him a cold glare. The slightly shorter boy adjusted his glasses and he straightened up to walk away. Jared walked briskly in the other direction, Evan on his toes. The crowd died out and eventually it was just them in the hallway, Evan feeling calm enough to snatch the boy’s shirt to stop him. Jared whipped around, eyes sharp.  
   “Leave me alone!” Jared barked, causing Evan to jump back and his heart to spike. Fog threatened to clog his head, however Evan forced himself to focus. Focus, focus, _focus_! A flash of an emotion Evan couldn’t quite read appeared as quickly as it fell on Jared’s face, returning to his gaze that threatened to turn him to ice. “What do you want? To spew some more crap about me? Tell me about how you and that depressing asshole are getting it on and talking shit about me behind my back?” Jared spat out, voice quieter than before but just as sharp. Each word stabbed him like knives, Evan somewhat metaphorically clutching the fabric of his shirt around his heart.   
    _‘I’m so sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry…’_  
   Jared looked at him signing ‘sorry’ over and over, Evan too focused on apologizing to notice him shaking.   
   “Stop it! I get it!” Jared used his hand to move his hand from his chest, and threw it half-heartedly to Evan’s side. “I hate this! I hate feeling bad for being angry at you! I hate always feeling like the bad guy! Stop it, okay? Just… stop.” Jared let out a frustrated noise as he dragged his hands through his hair. The last word came out like a pitiful whisper, much to Evan’s shock. When they were younger, Jared was actually the crybaby of the two. It’s not because he was weak, it was because he was a frustrated crier, and it was easy to upset him. Of course, Evan hadn’t seen him cry or even soften up really since middle school, at least. Then again, they hadn’t really argued like this before either. Jared’s face was covered by his arms, however it was more than obvious he was upset. Evan lowered his broken arm, distraught at the sight in front of him. Jared let out a breath and looked up, settling his arms at his side.   
   ‘ _Jared…’_  
   “Just… leave me alone.” Jared mumbled and shoved past him, Evan instead staying and watching him leave. Evan stood there, watching the boy’s back disappear behind a corner, unable to move. A pat on the shoulder caused his head to snap backwards, Connor assuming the spot Jared once stood.  
   “Sorry…” He muttered, sending a glare to the area Jared disappeared. Evan shook his head and began to walk away, Connor hesitating before running up next to him. “Wanna talk?” Evan shook his head again vigorously, Connor nodding understandingly. The two boys walked close together, shoulders centimeters from touching. Evan felt Connor’s hand brush his which made him instinctively jump and scoot a little away. Connor didn’t seem to react, much to Evan’s relief. Evan offered him a weak smile, to which Connor returned faintly.   



	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not the biggest fan of this chapter... especially for something that took so long... sorry, things have been actually busy lately. Semester finals are coming up (specifically adv. math, where I’m on the brink of a B with a 90.8% oh lordy) but yeah, I’ve also been working on a ton of Stranger Things work and such. I hope to do at least 3 chapters during Christmas break, ones much better than this one... this one was born out of the pressure I felt to get something out, and I hope that the next few feel a lot more natural. Thank you all for reading!
> 
> Tw: Panicking, Mentions to past references of attempted suicide and self-harm (these things aren’t at all directly talked about, however instances when they were mentioned are talked about)

Evan hardly stifled a sigh of relief as the bell rang, signifying the end of the school day. His bag was already packed, anticipation to leave obvious in his tapping fingers and constant glances at the door and clock. Evan threw his backpack over his shoulder, grabbing his phone while it was still accessible.

 _Connor: Can I come over?_  
Connor: I don’t want to go home.  
Connor: you can say no tho

Evan dared to assume that a little bit of that request came from fear of how he would react to Jared and his argument, which made Evan’s heart feel a little lighter. Without thinking too much, an act he may or may not regret later, he responded.

_Evan: yeha  
Evan: yeah*_

Evan watched as his text turned to ‘read’ however no response came, which seemed to be a habit of both boys. Evan sat his phone in his pocket and walked towards the entrance of the school, noticing Connor shifting his way through the crowded hallway in the corner of his eye. Evan turned towards him and offered a small wave, one that seemed to amuse Connor who waved back.   
“Hey, you sure it’s okay with your mom I come over?” Connor questioned, looking slightly reserved. Evan shook his head.  
 ** _I walk home and she won’t be home until late tonight, she won’t mind._**  
Evan carefully left out the part that she would probably be happy he was having over anyone at this point, a fact the taller boy was probably already aware of however Evan was still careful to avoid it. Evan stiffened as he remembered his lack of a car to help aid their trip back to his apartment, which wasn’t too far however far enough to be a bit of a bothersome walk.  
 ** _Are you okay with walking?_**  
“Yeah, I don’t care.” Connor shrugged impassively. Evan nodded and watched his feet as he stepped forward, Connor following a good foot away from him. It was a little uncomfortable for both of them to be on the edge of the sidewalk, however it seemed like a silent agreement that it was better that way. They sat in a, surprisingly, rather comfortable silence, a rare kind where you just enjoy the other's presence and don’t feel a need for words. The walk that usually felt so long and boring suddenly felt short, Evan finding himself grasping onto the feeling of ease. He couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed to see his apartment building, leading the lanky boy up the stairs to his apartment. Evan twisted and unlatched his keys from their hold on one of his bag zippers, using the same one he had every day to unlock the door before hooking them back onto his backpack. Suddenly Evan realized he wasn’t sure how to entertain Connor, for him and Jared it was different; Jared always insisted they do something, like he had an unlimited amount of ideas that Evan, for the most part, enjoyed. Connor, however, seemed to be nearly as inexperienced as he was when it came to activities. He couldn’t give him another tour, and Heidi wasn’t here to help either. Evan gulped as he stepped inside the gloomy apartment, flipping on the lights and dropping his backpack lazily onto the chair of their dining table. Connor held onto his bag for another moment before placing it next to Evan’s, looking somewhat hesitant. They both stood a little uncomfortably for a moment, Evan noticing Connor constantly trying to speak however the words seemed to die on his tongue. Evan gestured to the couch a bit behind him, Connor nodding and sitting beside Evan.   
“Hey… uh… this may be stupid or whatever, but um… you know sign language, right?” Evan nodded, curious. “Could you… teach me a bit? I’ve tried to learn alone but the signs I find online are all inconsistent and weird and I just think you’d be a better teacher or something. It’s a stupid idea, you can say no.” Evan shook his head quickly, eyes wide. He couldn’t help but feel touched Connor wanted to learn sign language, given the two people in his life were forced to learn it.   
**_I’d like to, I can’t promise I’ll be any good as a teacher though._**  
Connor nodded, seeming relieved Evan didn’t laugh or something. Even if Evan laughing was a very out of character for him, the fear still seemed to scream in the back of Connor’s head. For their lessons, Evan sticked to the basics. The alphabet, a bit of finger spelling (aka spelling out words with each separate letter, not just using the sign that represents the word), and even a few basic terms. Connor was, when he focused and was actually interested, a decent learner. For the most part, he had the alphabet memorized, just had a hard time signing them quickly like somebody skilled in ASL could. They both considered it progress, given they’d only been at it for a bit. Connor was a lot better at signing terms in contrast to fingerspelling, and learned a lot quicker than Evan expected. He even learned ‘Nice to meet you’, which seemed like a bit of an out of character sentence for Connor however it filled both of them with pride nonetheless. Evan had also mentioned the use of nicknames in ASL, to which Connor quickly took into action and mixed the signs for ‘Tree’ and ‘E’. Even if it technically wasn’t really a nickname and was just a hand gesture to simplify instead of spelling out his name, it still was nice. Jared probably would’ve given him a nickname, however it would have probably been something more demeaning and wouldn’t have any sentimental value. Despite this, Evan didn’t dare go as far as to create a nickname for Connor, too self-conscious to even attempt at it.   
“What’s the sign for, like… um…” Connor looked up at the ceiling in thought. “Black? Just mix ‘c’ and ‘black’.” While it wasn’t impossible, the sign was a bit too odd of a motion to make the nickname obvious and would probably become confusing.  
 ** _The signs don’t go well together, sorry._**  
Connor let out a sigh as he slumped backwards, tapping his foot rhythmically.  
“Is there a sign for weed?” Evan actually snorted.  
 ** _I don’t know of one for your kind of weed._**  
“What about cigarette?” Evan considered and shook his head again, given the sign required two fingers specifically. “Um… what about drawing?” Evan looked up at him, eyes wide. “Yeah I like drawing, sue me!” Evan offered him a small smile  
and considered the option.  
 ** _It could work._**  
Evan replicated the sign, however instead of waving his pinkie in a fluid waving motion, he cupped his hand into the shape of a ‘c’. Connor nodded approvingly.  
“Seems to work fine, right?” Evan nodded, unable to recall any similar signs.   
‘ _Break_.’ Evan signed, looking to Connor expectantly. Connor hesitated, causing Evan to repeat the sign. Watching Connor wrack his brain for the sign upset Evan so he offered him the fully spelled out version. ‘ _B-R-E-A-K_.’ Connor’s eyes widened a little in understanding and he scooted a bit aside, allowing Evan to squeeze between him and the coffee table to approach the kitchen. He prepared a quick bowl of popcorn and water and entered the living area again, smell of butter catching the attention of Connor. Evan returned to his spot beside Connor, thankful to not feel so uncomfortable, as he dug into the food arranged in front of him. Connor ate a little more dispersedly, food intake obviously low to begin with and his figure unnervingly thin, it made Evan want to shove healthy foods down his throat and cure his malnourished body. However, Evan easily refrained, the thought of such an embarrassing action sending shivers down his spine. Sometime during their lesson, Evan had turned on the tv for background noise, which he now turned up and focused on. It was some Disney Channel show, one Evan recognized however he would never admit that. Connor didn’t seem to mind, however he didn’t seem particularly invested either. It was then Evan realized how dramatic scenes got for being shows aimed at a preteen demographic, almost laughably so. Despite this, Evan found himself rather interested and watched intently, cringing a little at how obviously restricted and forced it was given there weren’t particularly many amazing scenes you could get with a PG rating. As the scene died down a little, Evan noticed, much to his amusement, Connor looked a little more focused as well. He had sat up a little, absentmindedly shoving popcorn into his mouth while also being sure to look away every now and again to emphasize his disinterest. Evan stopped sitting up so stiffly and relaxed beside Connor, for once not feeling like he had to walk on eggshells around him. Evan knew that, despite the nasty rumors about him and his generally terrible reputation, Connor was a good person. Evan wasn’t sure how many if any rumors were true, however it was almost hard to believe. Well, at least the extreme ones were obviously fake. Evan was now a lot more certain Connor wouldn’t rob a store or kill anybody, rumors that were sadly rather common, however Connor didn’t necessarily seem like he made the best decisions all the time. Then again, as far as Evan was concerned, had anybody even been there to help him? The thought plagued Evan’s thoughts, a lump forming in his throat. He tried to force away the thought, knowing Connor probably hated being pitied as much, if not more than Evan did.   
“Hansen? ...Evan?” Connor’s voice pierced his thoughts, causing Evan to involuntarily flinch. Evan expected a sarcastic comment about how he wasn’t in danger or something, however it didn’t come. Evan turned to Connor, noticing his face had become rather tense and he was avoiding eye contact. He couldn’t help the spike of anxiety that came from his sudden change in demeanor, or perhaps it wasn’t so sudden and Evan was just dense. Regardless, sweat cloaked his palms and his unease stiffened his figure. Connor glanced over for a moment, obvious noticing Evan’s stiffness, expression softening a little however the seriousness still present. “...I have to go soon. But um… before I go…” Connor’s eyebrows furrowed. “Can I talk you about something?”  
 ** _You don’t mind being late?_**  
“Not really. That’s the least of my family’s problems.” Evan gave him a hesitant look before nodding, swallowing hard. Connor had fully turned away at this point, audibly gulping. “You… um… you asked if I looked through your journal?” Evan felt his heart sink, blood draining from his face. Connor glanced back at Evan again, eyes portraying the guilt he felt.   
**_You read it, didn’t you?_**  
Connor gave him a look before nodding a little, looking down at the ground. Evan hardly noticed Connor’s leg bouncing up and down anxiously, certain he was going to throw up.   
“I… wanted to mention it all day, but uh… it was a really stupid thing to do, no denying that… Evan?” Evan could hardly process the information, feeling his fingers snake their way through his sandy brown hair, eyes unblinking and wide. “Evan?” Connor very hesitantly grabbed Evan’s wrist and pulled it down from his face, moving back immediately as if he was worried he would hurt Evan if he sat too close. Evan shook his head.  
‘ _Sorry, Sorry…’_  
Connor watched him sign closely.  
“‘Sorry’? Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything. I was the one who went snooping and I’m the one who was stupid, not you.” Connor’s voice was quiet and faintly shaking.  
 ** _I’m sorry you probably think I’m disgusting and you should and I understand it’s fine don’t feel guilty or anything I’m sorry_**  
Evan vaguely noticed how scratchy his handwriting was, looking more like scribbles then anything. His head was dipped below his notebook, all too obviously shaking. A silence fell before Connor spoke.  
“If you’re disgusting because of that, I’m repulsive.” Connor said in a half-heartedly amused tone. Evan looked up a little, somewhat upset he would refer to himself in such a vile manner. Then again, wouldn’t that make Evan a hypocrite? “Isn’t that one of the rumors I have?” Despite this being an obvious attempt to comfort Evan, it obviously was making Connor uncomfortable to some degree.   
**_You don’t have to talk about this…_**  
Connor looked away, pulling at the edges of his sleeves.  
“To be utterly and disgustingly honest, I can’t think of any other way to comfort you or whatever. I can’t say some bullshit about how stuff gets better because if it does I sure haven’t been as lucky.” Connor allowed his shaggy hair to fall into his face, focusing on a loose strand of fabric on his sleeve.  
 ** _You don’t have to comfort me, I don’t want to bother you._**  
Evan admitted, anxiety dying down a little however still nagging at him and forcing him to reread everything he writes five times over before he’s satisfied. Connor looked up at Evan, looking a little disbelieving.  
“Don’t I? I mean, we’re… friends, right?” Evan couldn’t help but feel a little lighter at the declaration. Then again, his anxiety was based around the fear Connor wouldn’t want to be friends, so perhaps it wasn’t odd.   
**_I wouldn’t want to overstep, though._**  
“You’re not really, though. Plus, not your choice. If I want to have unhealthy coping mechanisms, it’s my stupid decision.” Connor shrugged.  
 ** _Maybe, but friends call each other out on their stupid choices!_**

Connor stared for a moment before chuckling faintly.

”I guess you’re right.” Connor turned to look at the shorter boy, the vague traces of a smile dancing on his features. The two stared at each other for a moment, despite how odd it looked, feeling rather comfortable. A text vibrates on Connor’s phone and he jumped up, snapped out of whatever silence the two had been caught in. “Uh, I should go. Larry would freak if I was late again and I don’t feel like dealing with that right now.” Evan nodded quickly in understanding, remembering his front row seat to how bad the two argued. Evan helped him and grabbed the bag Connor had set lazily beside his own, regretting his choice to hang it on Connor’s shoulder at the sudden close proximity. Evan too a subtle step a bit farther away and led him to the door, opening it politely. Connor seemed somewhat uncomfortable with the treatment however shrugged it off as Evan trying too hard to please as usual. Connor waved a little, one Evan gladly returned before shutting the door behind him. It was seconds after that Evan realized Connor was in for a long walk back to his house, however it’d be too weird to open the door and run after him. Despite feeling like their time together went at least decent, excluding his panic at the end, he let out a relieved sigh and sat down beside the door, looking up at the roughly textured ceiling. The embarrassment from realizing Connor had read his journal, or at least that note, still clawed at him fiercely and he was aware he’d probably have a rough night falling asleep. However, Evan allowed himself to relish in the good things that happened for once.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, welcome to my first fanfic :0 well, I've actually tried writing a bunch of times, it just didn't quite work out. Sorry for the short chapter, it was kind of more of a filler than anything. I just kind of wanted to get Evan into the school setting without being too lazy? Idk other people do it and they're fine but when I do it just kinda looks forced. Anyway, I am also working on an animatic and I am taking a college sign language course, so sorry if updates are inconsistent. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy!


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